Hello Loathe. Hating someone who is sick would be ridiculous, & that's not what we do here. All I feel is concern and sadness that you're leading such a miserable existence. I'm glad you came here to discuss your situation - we've all done shameful things. I agree that putting other's lives in danger has to stop immediately, though - and I hope you will seek professional help in stopping this behavior.
Isaiah's last paragraph makes so much sense. You are sabotaging yourself. Kmber also had some wise words. There can be a brighter day ahead for you. You've reached out for help - and that shows you haven't given up entirely. In spite of yourself, you have hope in your heart. Please let us know how you're doing - we care about you.