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I hate me - and you will too.

Old 12-26-2010, 01:57 AM
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I hate me - and you will too.

I'm not sure what I hope to achieve here, but anything is better than the nothing now. I'm an addict , I've done about every drug in existence but my big devil was Heroin, which I haven't used since 10/27/09. I moved away from that and did my time going through withdrawals, went to a psychologist, psychiatrist, and group meetings. They helped at first, but the isolation and alienation I couldn't put up with.

Almost immediately after I began thrillseeking. I have closed my eyes and raced through a red light on my motorcycle. I have put on cruise control while speeding down the highway, rolled down my window, climbed into the frame using my feet to control the steering wheel as I lean out. I've been skydiving to pursue a new goal of achieving B.A.S.E. After Heroin, I couldn't enjoy anything that gave me pleasure before. I have to continually keep seeking out dangerous and/or wreckless activities to feel just slightly satisfied in life. I'm incapable of being faithful, or of following up relationships with any meaning. I make terrible sexual decisions, sleeping with my best friends sister/cousin/niece, more often than not being successful. It's destroyed most of my friendships, they can't stand to be around me and frankly I can't either. Yet I pursue sex and various sex acts despite the damage they can cause to the lives of people around me, often times wondering why I did it at all and feeling unsatisfied afterwards, even depressed.

It just keeps getting worse, I lie in varying degrees to every woman I've been with, and I pretty much live a double life these days. I've thought about this once before, and figured that at least this was better than being a lonely junkie. Through this all was Diana, she transferred to a University several months ago but she is now back to visit me. When we first started hooking up she was just like all the rest. Having sex in movie theaters, in parking lots, on the beach midday with people all around. But we've shared a lot since then in every way two people can. I've never been able to express my feelings to her.

A few nights ago I hit my lowest, this woman my father was staying with contacted me, and I started exchanging flirting texts and calls with her. Somehow we both now want/talk about sleeping with both her and her daughter, not at the same time but in the same night. I got off and realized what a disgusting situation this is. I can't seem to help these impulses, it's like fighting withdrawals for a few hours before calling up for a quick fix.

Ive been with a lot of women in the past year and have felt almost nothing emotionally, except for Diana. I realize now I want nothing more than to be with her, and be satisfied with her alone. We've been through so much together, and ultimately I've opened up to her about just about everything, except my sexual promiscuity.

I see there is a problem, and I want to change, but I have no idea where to begin. I just can't control myself.
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:07 AM
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Thank you for the honesty in your post. I wish you the best in your recovery and we're here for you. I'm 100% sure that we won't hate you either!
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:27 AM
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Welcome

It sounds like you may need to go back to meetings or a psychiatrist, or even go see someone for sexual addiction. I know how it is to have to fill the void the drugs have left you with, I hope you can find something more positive to fill your time with, skydiving sounds great! Good luck to you and Diana!
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:44 AM
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how OLD is her daughter?

I hope "murder" is not on your "next thrill" list...
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Old 12-26-2010, 03:30 AM
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God God...Its a wonder no-one got killed with your thrill seeking, maybe you should have thought about other innocent people that could have been killed while you done these crazy things ? Wouldn't that knock the thrill out of it ?

I hope you get the help you so badly need before something awful happens and I hope your dad realises he is being betrayed by his own son!

I sincerely hope you get help and it seems that you do need it badly.

Good Luck and I hope your life turns around for the best!
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:43 AM
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Hi,

I am going to be completely honest here.

It scares me to read about the things you are doing for a thrill.

But MUCH MORE SO, it scares me to think of the innocent people that are on the road or living their lives, when you come barrelling through. They have no choice in what might happen to them if they pass by you.

In my opinion, you have substituted one drug for another. It's great you got off heroin, but you are using sex and thrill-seeking as substitutes. In order to begin to recover, you need to stop those addictions.

I hope you seek help from a counsellor or AA or any method that will help you to recover. We do understand!
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Old 12-26-2010, 04:55 AM
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Thank you for your honesty...that had to be a difficult disclosure. Well, at least i hope that it was!

I read what you wrote about your highway escapades and it scared me...dude, my daughters are on those highways. Then i realized that unintentionally i have done virtually the same things by drinking and driving in the past. There is no free pass for either of us.

While i don't know much about thrill seeking or sex addiction...it sounds alot like alcoholism....and many alcoholics and drug addicts have found a much better life in abstinence.

Good luck in your journey.
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:04 AM
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Have you considered going back to a mental health professional? You did before, sounds like you did it for the chemical addiction, would you go back again?

I think that would be a good hub to start. You might even check with any sort of local gov't health agency, NAMI, or even just contact a psychiatrist to see if they can refer you to someone who might have experience working with someone with your particular problems.

I don't know what is available to you or what could be prescribed. SR might have some resources available and others might come by who have had similar experiences. I'd stick around and see if a forum moderator doesn't come around, they also perform as sort of the SR Librarians of the place.

And I'd probably start getting together that whatever sort of addiction this might be (sex/adrenaline..?) is not going to be cured the same way it's made. It's the case with many chemical addicts to kind of take the sort of "my life is awful, I completely hate who I am, I want things to change, but only if change gives me a bigger thrill than using." I imagine if your issue is a sort of anhedonia/thrill-seeking then that kind of addict self-delusion could be even more intense.

But doing nothing probably wont lead you anywhere except to more self-loathing, (possibly) hurting people right and left, and at least with the traffic stunts a good chance of a 20+ year life sentence for vehicular manslaughter (not a lot of fun in prison.) Like heroin, you're not going to reach a comfortable plateau where everything is happy and right.

You said that earlier attempts at help/recovery made you feel isolated? However, the way I see it, you came here introducing yourself as "loathe" (yourself?) and explained that we'd all hate you. Whatever it is you're doing now you seem to anticipate your own alienation. So I'd say you already are. And I'd imagine with your sexual manipulations of people in your life eventually shoes are going to drop and leave you cut off there too. So yeah, please get you some help, and SR will be welcome to help. It wont be so bad.
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:05 AM
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Loathe - Welcome to SR and know you have our support in your quest for recovery.

I too found your post a bit to absorb but your honesty and willingness to open yourself up speaks volumes. Addiction and sometimes our need to replace it through other destructive methods has taken many of us to some dark places.

I know as a recovering alcoholic that those years I drank led me to do things I am ashamed of and mostly it was the lack of self worth and hatred I had for myself that closed me off to almost everything and everyone. When I drank.....I literally ceased to exist.

What you have shared may be underlying issues that were masked by your addiction or just the need to continue that thrill seeking high that many drugs, etc. falsely provide. It may also be the ugly nature of continuous self hatred......just some thoughts.

Where you are now is wanting to change. I urge you to seek face to face support. Counseling has been extremely beneficial for me. NA meetings would be a wonderful place to start as well.

You need support and I would advise professional guidance as well.

Glad you are here but I can not stress the urgency in which you need help. Aside from your sexual behaviors.....your reckless behaviors puts the lives of others at risk. That is what concerns me most and what is not acceptable on any level.

It frightens me to think of myself driving down the road or walking through the intersection being now 8 months pregnant and in recovery and having my life and that of my unborn child taken away destroyed because of someone else's desire for a high.

You must reach out for help and begin recovery now. I really am speaking from the heart in this post.

Thinking of you.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:30 AM
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Hello Loathe. Hating someone who is sick would be ridiculous, & that's not what we do here. All I feel is concern and sadness that you're leading such a miserable existence. I'm glad you came here to discuss your situation - we've all done shameful things. I agree that putting other's lives in danger has to stop immediately, though - and I hope you will seek professional help in stopping this behavior.

Isaiah's last paragraph makes so much sense. You are sabotaging yourself. Kmber also had some wise words. There can be a brighter day ahead for you. You've reached out for help - and that shows you haven't given up entirely. In spite of yourself, you have hope in your heart. Please let us know how you're doing - we care about you.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:57 AM
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Welcome to SR. I hope you can get the help you need to live a peaceful, less dangerous life. It IS possible, but you have to work for it.
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Old 12-26-2010, 07:11 AM
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Loathe, nothing you said is all that shocking to me. I hear stuff like that all the time from friends in AA/NA, from people I've sponsored, and from doing similar things myself.

Therapy/counseling helped a little in that it allowed me to identify my actions and see "why" so much of it was happening and why a lot of it was beyond my ability to control. So, from the standpoint that it helped open my eyes, it therapy was good. It wasn't, unfortunately, enough. Just knowing that I did this stuff and why I did it didn't also supply me with enough power to stop doing all of it. For that, I needed the 12-Step process.

Therapy helped me find hidden problem areas, the 12-Steps solved them. Honest identification was part of the equation, the solution was the other (perhaps more important) part.

If you're really sick and tired of "you," like I was of "me," sooner or later you'll hit that point where you'll be willing to do just about anything to be free. Until I hit that point, I was constantly focused on quick-fixes, half-measures, and only the solutions that seemed to "make sense" to me - which is comical since I was using the same distorted thinking that got me into the shape I was in to determine what would get me out. One I finally hit bottom with "me," my will, my desire for control.......I finally surrendered, gained some willingness and started doing what those who had gone before me did to recover.

As a recovered alcoholic, I can tell you that alllll that crap in your life now can end TODAY. You don't need years, or months, or even weeks to get "recovered." Many ppl (myself included) CHOSE to take is slow and dragged the pain out........but you don't have to do it that way.....if you don't want to.

You can have a wonderfully fulfilling life TODAY.....if you're willing to surrender and to work for it. Far too many recovering addicts / alcoholics are so full of ideas, beliefs, and notions that they just sit and spin their wheels.....continually looking for the logical solution but never finding real sobriety or real recovery.

The self-loathing, self hatred, depression and so forth.....that's probably the #1 symptom of just about every addict.....and it doesn't have to continue to dominate you any longer.
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Old 12-26-2010, 07:32 AM
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I don't see any differences between your behaviour and that of anyone else caught up in addiction...strange that it should be suggested that you need mental health care whereas if you were seen as just an alcoholic you would get given lots of encouragement to give it all up and a load of platitudes like you can do this! Your post doesn't shock me in the slightest and i would recommend that you get into a program of recovery asap and start doing some work on yourself which will only happen when you are willing to do so and ready to be honest...
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Old 12-26-2010, 08:02 AM
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Hi Loathe welcome to the forums of SR.

I sure can relate to the path of self-destruction you apparently are on. Although my destructive ways were done wile in active addiction. I found that a good therapist could help me discover the direct cause of my problems. I could see why I was acting out in a way that would keep me in misery even when many things in my life were running smooth otherwise. These self-defeating behaviors had to be changed otherwise I would be constantly setting myself up for failure in recovery.

I'm active in the mental health community and have seen plenty of people turn their lives around from addiction and severe mental illness with the help of a treatment plan and support. These people like myself found the resources within us, then nurtured and expressed in life. Change happened in me because it is within my means to be the prime agent of change. I just had to learn to let it flow.

Know that you can change and become the person you would like to be. A person that people come to admire and find comfort and joy in their presence. Here's to a new day and a new you.
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Old 12-26-2010, 10:32 AM
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Perhaps thrill seek in different ways...rock climbing, sky diving, get a "runners high", learn snowboarding tricks, amature car racing on a track...put your energy into positive thrill seeking. You can turn it around if you WANT it bad enough.
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Old 12-26-2010, 02:40 PM
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Hi loathe

Lots of good advice here. I think the counselling/therapy suggestion is a good one. I know too there are 12 step programme for sexual addiction if you have a 12 step background.

Everyone deserves a life of peace - I hope you find yours.
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Old 12-26-2010, 03:25 PM
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The first step is admitting we have a problem and that our lives are unmanageable. It seems that you're doing that right now with your post.

I think you know you need help and I hope you value your life (and the life of others) enough to get all the help necessary to deal with your addiction(s). The one thing for sure: it will only get worse.

I'm sending prayers..... You deserve a better life.:ghug3
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Old 12-26-2010, 03:47 PM
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Hi,
This is not a moral issue, it is a medical one.

It sounds to me, who is not a mental health professional, that your brain is craving the chemicals you used to get through drugs, and thrill-seeking is filling that void. You know that lots of chemicals are released in your brain when you are jumping from an airplane, or driving fast and recklessly. You definitely need to see a psychiatrist, because your quest for these chemicals can kill someone, and then you will be in prison, and you certainly won't get either the medical care, or the thrills.

And although I think 12 step programs and talk therapy will help you a bit, I really think you need an MD, psychiatrist, to evaluate you and prescribe proper meds to calm your brain down, if he/she thinks it will help you.

Best of luck,
Nancy
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Old 12-26-2010, 05:41 PM
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It seems you've traded one unhealthy addiction for another - sex and adrenaline from risk taking behavior. In no way can we condone this, but the first step is recognizing the problem and effects on others, I hope that you are doing that and are ready to take responsibility.

Any normally healthy activity, even participating in a recovery program itself, sports, exercise, etc can be taken to extremes and become an addiction in itself when we try to become clean/sober. When it begins disrupting your life and relationships to the significant degree it is in yours, it is time to be addressed.

I'd perhaps look around for a program for sex addiction in your area or the resources, as suggested. Part of maturing in recovery I believe is taking responsibility for one's own actions, thinking through impulses before acting upon them, and recognizing the impact on others. While we cannot help certain circumstances, such as a predisposition to addictive behavior and some of the chemical changes the disease causes, with resultant influence on behavior, we do have a choice in how we confront and address the problem, to find alternative solutions. The cycle can be broken with intervention.
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Old 12-26-2010, 06:22 PM
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I can't seem to help these impulses.....

I realize now I want nothing more than to be with her, and be satisfied with her alone.

I see there is a problem, and I want to change, but I have no idea where to begin. I just can't control myself.


I believe with all my heart that my Higher Power gave me (and all of us) FREE WILL.

That means I can make choices. (some are significantly more difficult that others)

Choices to CHANGE.

There are formal programs to do just that.

Get started NOW BEFORE ANYONE ELSE GETS HURT.
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