Loathe

I'm not sure what I hope to achieve here, but anything is better than the nothing now. I'm an addict , I've done about every drug in existence but my big devil was Heroin, which I haven't used since 10/27/09. I moved away from that and did my time going through withdrawals, went to a psychologist, psychiatrist, and group meetings. They helped at first, but the isolation and alienation I couldn't put up with.

Almost immediately after I began thrillseeking. I have closed my eyes and raced through a red light on my motorcycle. I have put on cruise control while speeding down the highway, rolled down my window, climbed into the frame using my feet to control the steering wheel as I lean out. I've been skydiving to pursue a new goal of achieving B.A.S.E. After Heroin, I couldn't enjoy anything that gave me pleasure before. I have to continually keep seeking out dangerous and/or wreckless activities to feel just slightly satisfied in life. I'm incapable of being faithful, or of following up relationships with any meaning. I make terrible sexual decisions, sleeping with my best friends sister/cousin/niece, more often than not being successful. It's destroyed most of my friendships, they can't stand to be around me and frankly I can't either. Yet I pursue sex and various sex acts despite the damage they can cause to the lives of people around me, often times wondering why I did it at all and feeling unsatisfied afterwards, even depressed.

It just keeps getting worse, I lie in varying degrees to every woman I've been with, and I pretty much live a double life these days. I've thought about this once before, and figured that at least this was better than being a lonely junkie. Through this all was Diana, she transferred to a University several months ago but she is now back to visit me. When we first started hooking up she was just like all the rest. Having sex in movie theaters, in parking lots, on the beach midday with people all around. But we've shared a lot since then in every way two people can. I've never been able to express my feelings to her.

A few nights ago I hit my lowest, this woman my father was staying with contacted me, and I started exchanging flirting texts and calls with her. Somehow we both now want/talk about sleeping with both her and her daughter, not at the same time but in the same night. I got off and realized what a disgusting situation this is. I can't seem to help these impulses, it's like fighting withdrawals for a few hours before calling up for a quick fix.

Ive been with a lot of women in the past year and have felt almost nothing emotionally, except for Diana. I realize now I want nothing more than to be with her, and be satisfied with her alone. We've been through so much together, and ultimately I've opened up to her about just about everything, except my sexual promiscuity.

I see there is a problem, and I want to change, but I have no idea where to begin. I just can't control myself.