Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST

Thanks for the post. It's a great reminder of "once an alkie, always an alkie". I have 17+ months sober now and I have no doubts that if I took 1 drink then I wouldn't stop until I passed out and then would drink as soon as I woke up again. I tried many, many times to not do that (drinking upon waking) but never managed it. I always wished to drink until I passed out though, I drank and blacked out pretty much from 14 when i first started drinking. Not remebering hours of a night was the normal for me and waking up not remembering getting to bed or whatever was just normal drinking behaviour for me and could easily be justified living in England and embracing the male identity from where I live and who I aspired to in music. All of my heroes were/are wreckheads and I loved them for that.

I never wished to drink 'socially' and never did. For me it was 'rock n' roll' excess or I'd rather not bother. It is very costly and I often wished I was dead but accepting myself as an alcoholic was crucial in my recovery.

For me I don't drink 'just for today.' I make no promises outside of today in relation to my sobriety. I live 'one day at a time' and I've never been more contented in my head. I am very grateful for my alcoholism as it's enabled me to reach a peacefullness in my head on a deeper level than I ever got before. It's also took my life in a totally different direction, a direction that I have pride in and am content with, unlike my life as a cynical, depressed, hopeless, tortured drunk existing in life to get wrecked and escape myself for a few hours.