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Round 2

Old 12-23-2010, 07:13 AM
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Round 2

Well, I joined this board back in February of 2009. I stayed sober for just over a year and a half. I was proud of myself, but I never felt content with my decision. And then over the summer, I was out with some friends, and I was tired of NOT drinking. I was convinced that I could become a social drinker and be aware of how much I was drinking. So I started again. It started with a few beers out with friends and I didn't over indulge. I then went out the next weekend and controlled myself. I had told myself that I would only drink in social situations. And then it all went downhill. I started going out more often so I could drink more often. I started watching the NFL games on the weekends (which I had never done before) just as an excuse to get some beer. I started drinking more and more often until within 4 months, I had slipped back to where I had been almost 2 years ago when I decided to quit drinking. I went out the other night with some old co-workers. I don't remember getting home. I woke up and my car was in the front bushes. I went to go move it and I had McDonald's take out all over the front seat. I don't remember going to McDonald's. I thought, is this really all I'll ever be? What if I had killed someone? What if I had killed myself? Clearly, I can't drink socially. Clearly, I was wrong in thinking that I had alcoholism beat. But I feel better, as weird as it sounds, having tried. I am 27, and the thought of giving up drinking FOREVER seems nearly impossible. I had felt deep down that I KNOW when I am drinking too much and that I make a conscious choice to have another drink when I know I shouldn't. So I felt like I could control it. After trying and failing, I now know that I can never be a social drinker. So now, I think I'm ready to give it up for good and never look back. No more "what ifs" because I already know the ending should I choose to drink again. So here we go, round 2....and unlike a boxing match, there will be no round 3. The fight ends here.
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Old 12-23-2010, 07:36 AM
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Thanks for the post. It's a great reminder of "once an alkie, always an alkie". I have 17+ months sober now and I have no doubts that if I took 1 drink then I wouldn't stop until I passed out and then would drink as soon as I woke up again. I tried many, many times to not do that (drinking upon waking) but never managed it. I always wished to drink until I passed out though, I drank and blacked out pretty much from 14 when i first started drinking. Not remebering hours of a night was the normal for me and waking up not remembering getting to bed or whatever was just normal drinking behaviour for me and could easily be justified living in England and embracing the male identity from where I live and who I aspired to in music. All of my heroes were/are wreckheads and I loved them for that.

I never wished to drink 'socially' and never did. For me it was 'rock n' roll' excess or I'd rather not bother. It is very costly and I often wished I was dead but accepting myself as an alcoholic was crucial in my recovery.

For me I don't drink 'just for today.' I make no promises outside of today in relation to my sobriety. I live 'one day at a time' and I've never been more contented in my head. I am very grateful for my alcoholism as it's enabled me to reach a peacefullness in my head on a deeper level than I ever got before. It's also took my life in a totally different direction, a direction that I have pride in and am content with, unlike my life as a cynical, depressed, hopeless, tortured drunk existing in life to get wrecked and escape myself for a few hours.
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Old 12-23-2010, 07:43 AM
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Glad to read that you are ready to give it another go.

Originally Posted by backporchpoet View Post
...the thought of giving up drinking FOREVER seems nearly impossible.
That was the hurdle that kept me from even quitting in the first place. To never drink again felt so...so...permanent. And now that I've quit I've been teased by the idea that SOMEDAY I'll drink again, maybe just once or twice, but it will happen.

But it has dawned on me that "normal" drinkers don't dream of the day they can drink. Only alcoholics. And if I allow myself that one-last-drunk, how long will it last? Will I recognize, like you have, that there are only so many chances left?

Originally Posted by backporchpoet View Post
... So now, I think I'm ready to give it up for good and never look back. No more "what ifs" because I already know the ending should I choose to drink again.
Welcome back. Good luck. Keep us posted.
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Old 12-23-2010, 07:52 AM
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One is not enough..and then you are in a blackout. That is a fact. Glad you are back..this is what I refer to as a stepping stone to lasting recovery. You tried the control experiment..it kicked your @ss. Now you don't have to question it any more. Welcome back! By killing this addiction off now..you will not be building a pile of remorse ..guilt..and regret!
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Old 12-23-2010, 08:57 AM
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Glad you're back. I finally gave it up for good a year ago and love my new life so much I'll never go back to that hell. I hope you can achieve lasting sobriety and peace of mind. Living sober really rocks!
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:20 PM
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Welcome back! You're desire to quit is admirable. Good luck.
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Old 12-23-2010, 09:37 PM
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Welcome back!!

I am much older than you, but I, too, had difficulty with the thought of "I can never get high again...ever". I don't know your HP beliefs, but I had to pray to be "willing to be willing to not want to use again". Had to do that for a while, before I realized one of the "willings" had dropped off.

When I went to meetings, I had a friend who was 19...in recovery. His dad was also an RA (recovering alcoholic), though they rarely went to the same meetings. He had started drinking young, and by 19 had realized that he was never going to be a social drinker. Come to think of it, there were SEVERAL young people in my home group.

Alcoholism/addition doesn't discriminate....it will take some down younger and faster. The good news is, you have a much better life ahead of you, without alcohol, if you want it. We think life can never be fun, again, if we're not using/drinking, but it can. It's a bit uncomfortable, at first, but it gets better.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-23-2010, 10:56 PM
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Good to know you are getting on track again.
Welcome back...
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
Thanks for the post. It's a great reminder of "once an alkie, always an alkie". I have 17+ months sober now and I have no doubts that if I took 1 drink then I wouldn't stop until I passed out and then would drink as soon as I woke up again. I tried many, many times to not do that (drinking upon waking) but never managed it. I always wished to drink until I passed out though, I drank and blacked out pretty much from 14 when i first started drinking. Not remebering hours of a night was the normal for me and waking up not remembering getting to bed or whatever was just normal drinking behaviour for me and could easily be justified living in England and embracing the male identity from where I live and who I aspired to in music. All of my heroes were/are wreckheads and I loved them for that.

I never wished to drink 'socially' and never did. For me it was 'rock n' roll' excess or I'd rather not bother. It is very costly and I often wished I was dead but accepting myself as an alcoholic was crucial in my recovery.

For me I don't drink 'just for today.' I make no promises outside of today in relation to my sobriety. I live 'one day at a time' and I've never been more contented in my head. I am very grateful for my alcoholism as it's enabled me to reach a peacefullness in my head on a deeper level than I ever got before. It's also took my life in a totally different direction, a direction that I have pride in and am content with, unlike my life as a cynical, depressed, hopeless, tortured drunk existing in life to get wrecked and escape myself for a few hours.
I'm the same way when it comes to drinking. After the first night of drinking, I wake up and pour a drink right away. Sometimes I'm drunk within 30 minutes of waking up. I don't eat, and I don't drink water. This continues for 3 or 4 days, until my body is about to shut down, and I know I need to sober up for awhile. God help me this is a horrible cycle
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Old 12-24-2010, 03:42 AM
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Thanks for your post because in the back of my mind I was thinking well someday I will be ableto drink socially again and stop. But as one of you said. "Sober people don't think ahead of someday I will be able to drink again" So you helped me because I just put that thought away and threw away the key. See how we all help eachother Thanks!!!Glad you are on the right track now. You are stronger!!!!!
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