Hello Cinn
I have NO IDEA how I ended up at this site and stumbled upon your post, but we'll call it providence.
I'm the father of 5 children, the oldest being 17 who found myself in May 2000
homeless, $1.21 with a bus token to nowhere my total net worth, and strung out on an average 100 Percodan a day habit.
I too had lost a child earlier but also experienced the death of my mom at 5 in a fire at my house and was abandoned by an alcoholic father shortly thereafter. He died when I was 13, and it wasn't long after that I had become strung out and homeless in high school.
I won't tell you my life story, but I will tell you I'm no stranger to pain and the need to medicate.
I can't say whether your pain will ever go away, but I'LL SHARE WITH YOU HOW MINE DID.
Recovery is the art of uncovering, discovering and discarding, I have found.
This process was initiated for me through the working of the 12 steps. These 12 spiritual principles are as sure to work as gravity....if you work them.
How does this happen?
Through the support of a kindred fellowship (AA/NA) and the guiding of a sponsor. A problem I had at first was suffering from the paralysis of analysis
in choosing a sponsor. I'd suggest you just grab someone who has substantial clean time at first, if for no other reason for an accountability partner...and to get you in the habit of following suggestions of those who have walked the path of sobriety longer than us.
I have worked the steps, and I'll say that step 4 was where my healing began and the uncovering process was initiated. The pain and anguish of loss was being dealt with, forgvigeness was recognized as an essential to MY healing(I was pissed at God, as well as the world), and my coping skills were being developed.
Skipping forward 4+ years now, If I had to say that if any one thing is a staple and the one daily necessity I WONT sacrifice, it would have to be prayer and my daily contact with my higher power, who in my case is Jesus Christ.
My addiction kept me 3 yrs from my family, but for the past year and a half we've been back under one roof. There's much work to be done from the wreckage of my past as I'm seeing my son walk the same dead end path that I chose.
But to answer your question: "The last 2 1/2 years of therepy is just about out of the window, or so it seems at this point. What good has it done if I still feel an emptiness inside and a longing for my sweet Sophia. I guess within all of the dribble, I am making a rather poor attempt to ask a basic question. Is this normal to feel like I am moving backwards. Will this subside soon?"
It depends? What action are you going to take to uncover the source of the pain? What steps are you willing to walk to discover the road out...and how willing will you be to discard the familiar friend/foe we must now leave behind when it's time?
That's your call, but I can assure you that since I made my own decision to walk down a different path in blind faith, I haven't regretted a nanosecond of it.
Life is good, it's hard, it's confusing, its rewarding, it's stressful, it's painful, it's promising and more. The good thing I've discovered though each day is...I don't have to do it on my own
...and neither do you.
Many blessings to you....you're in my prayers. :band