I didn't want to be in recovery, either. I wasn't 'that bad'. So I went back out, and got 'that bad' and came back for help. Wish I would have stuck with recovery in the first place.
It can be scary! It is still scary for me to think of *never* drinking or using again. In recovery, we take it one day at a time: JUST FOR TODAY, I won't pick up. No telling what tomorrow brings, but TODAY, it isn't an option.
The great thing about 12 step recovery programs is that they address your reasons for wanting to drink. They address the loneliness and the pain. They bring you hope-- hope that there IS another way to live, and that you can find serenity without the use of drugs or alcohol.
Congrats on recognizing your problem, that is HUGE! Some people don't recognize their problem until it takes all that they've got. Appreciate what you do have, and if you believe you are an alcoholic, appreciate the fact that you have recognized it and taken action, before it killed you. That is the reality of Alcoholism.
Good luck on your journey! It is worth it!