Kashka

I'm new to this place- just reading around and seeing what people are saying.

I have a problem with alcohol. I like it too much, and I want it too much. I don't get wasted, I wouldn't even say that I get drunk. But I drink a few drinks a night, every night. If I don't drink at night, I want to. During the day I'm sullen, quiet, lonely. At night when I finally let myself open a bottle of champagne I'm relaxed, happy and I can just enjoy being.

I want to go back to being a social drinker but it seems like everyone says that isn't how it works. I just can't accept that. Right now alcohol is the only thing that I really enjoy, Since I quit smoking cigarettes 6 years ago, its become my new "thing". I feel like I can't get rid of the alcohol until I have another new "thing" to replace it.

I just can't stomach the thought of stopping forever. I still miss cigarettes and I don't want the sadness and pain of missing alcohol too. Does anyone ever just cut back? Any luck with prescriptions or supplements to get rid of the desire? I never cared about drinking until I had my stomach stapled 10 years ago and then once the cigarettes were gone too, I just fell in love with it. I guess deep down I don't like who I am, I have no idea how people learn to "love themselves".

It just seems like everything I read about recovery and sobriety is so....on the surface. I don't get it! I've read the 12 steps, I don't know what I'm missing.

Thanks for reading, I just need to let off a little steam. I've been so depressed for the last 6 months and it finally occurred to me its probably from all the drinking. I hate coming to terms with it.

Dee74

Hi Kashka
Welcome

I didn't want to change. To my mind I was fine - all I needed to do was learn to control my drinking.

I nearly (literally) killed myself trying to do that - so I changed.

For me it's been the best decision ever - and it's meant far more to me than just not drinking. I'm actually happy - really happy - for the first time in my life, I like who I am and I'm not looking for the 'next thing'...for once? I'm satisfied.

It took a lot of work to get here - but I'm glad I did.

I'm glad too that I was forced into it in a way cos I'd still be living my old half-life trying to control my drinking otherwise.

I don't know if you can 'go back' Kashka - I couldn't - but most of us try.

But SR is always here if you get tired of that
D

doggonecarl

You raise a lot of issues...I'll address this one. Alcoholics can not moderate their drinking. I can't tell you if you are an alcoholic. Only you can do that. You want to be "normal" so to speak. But normal social drinkers don't post to recovery sites to tell folks all they have in their lives is drinking.

So you decide. For 6 months try to drink ONLY the recommended amount of alcohol (1 drink a day for a woman, two drinks a day for a man). If you exceed that, you may have a dependance on alcohol. If you can't even imagine drinking only one drink...well, you at the right site! If you decide you want to quit, there is lots of support here. Good luck.

ArtDeco454

If you are an alcoholic who stops drinking you are always in recovery. Your recovery stops if you have another drink. Everything is up to you, until you desire to change you won't. Good luck. Read some of the recovery stories, you may find yourself in the stories.

Onewithwings

I didn't want to be in recovery, either. I wasn't 'that bad'. So I went back out, and got 'that bad' and came back for help. Wish I would have stuck with recovery in the first place.

It can be scary! It is still scary for me to think of *never* drinking or using again. In recovery, we take it one day at a time: JUST FOR TODAY, I won't pick up. No telling what tomorrow brings, but TODAY, it isn't an option.

The great thing about 12 step recovery programs is that they address your reasons for wanting to drink. They address the loneliness and the pain. They bring you hope-- hope that there IS another way to live, and that you can find serenity without the use of drugs or alcohol.

Congrats on recognizing your problem, that is HUGE! Some people don't recognize their problem until it takes all that they've got. Appreciate what you do have, and if you believe you are an alcoholic, appreciate the fact that you have recognized it and taken action, before it killed you. That is the reality of Alcoholism.

Good luck on your journey! It is worth it!

Toronto68

"I want to go back to being a social drinker but it seems like everyone says that isn't how it works. I just can't accept that. Right now alcohol is the only thing that I really enjoy, Since I quit smoking cigarettes 6 years ago, its become my new "thing". I feel like I can't get rid of the alcohol until I have another new "thing" to replace it."

I think it will do you some good to get out steam like this, because it can get you thinking when you watch the reactions from others.

This topic is a really typical thing that comes up here, and you're right, most people would say that just being a social drinker (if the person has a problem) is not feasible. When you say you would likely need something to replace the alcohol, that is also very common. I think what needs work is not so much what to do about the missing alcohol which requires replacement, but what came before the alcohol. In other words, did alcohol pseudo-solve something for you. It helped me to think of it as a thinking problem. Some people will say their alcoholism didn't need a reason, and I think you can have different experiences. I see a lot of similarities to me though, and that means that alcohol was discovered useful as a way to push coping issues aside. And a physically addictive drug sensation would be an effective way to keep that pushing aside in place. Wrong way to survive, since it just adds to problems while tricking you into thinking there aren't any.

least

I didnt' know how I'd cope with my life without drinking... Turns out I cope a lot better than ever before.

I'd suggest you try controlled drinking; no more than two drinks a day. See what happens and how you feel about it.

Welcome to SR!

justjo

In your post this is what stood out to me -"dont know what I am missing". "dont know how people learn to love themselves"
When I read your post, I could of written some of it a few months ago.

I'll tell you a story - I lost my younger sister late last year and it tore me apart, I mean I felt like someone had ripped out half my heart. It has been tough and Ive had that glass of wine too to feel better. Worked all day, my reward' at the end of the day.
BUT I have realized so many things this last year. I think my life has just been, you know. Im a workaholic and a mother who gave way too much. Ive actually thought deeply into this. Never thought about myself too much, always survived somehow. I think my growing up with no real attention from my parents, or partners. Never needed much in life, just essentials and everyone would always tell me to do something nice for myself. Sure I did, I looked after everyone else and had that drink at night. My sister was the alcoholic, not me, I was just winding down you know!
Missing, lots from my life. I just didnt know any better. I actually, didnt think I deserved to be happy and to be happy, how the h__l was I going to do that.
My point after all my rambling is -Maybe get real with yourself and starting asking questions, you obviously are aware of alot of your behaviours, and making decisions about what we want can be really hard. But you know what, Once I started acting on those decisions, thats when life starts to flow and glow better. You know, start living. Thats what I have to do too.
JJ

artsoul

Welcome Kashka - Glad you're looking at how alcohol affects your life.

You said that you have a problem and that you like it too much and want it too much. I think we can all relate to that (AA talks about the "mental obsession"). It's really hard to be able to take it or leave it after we get to that point, which is what social drinking really is. Personally, I found it harder to control my intake than it has been to be sober. Even when I successfully cut back, I was always thinking about when I could have that next drink. I knew I had a problem when I saw how difficult it was to try to stop.

I know you'll get a lot of info and support here that might help you decide what you want/need to do.

MsCooterBrown

I tried the moderation experiment..it was a blackout drunk on only my third day of "controlled drinking"...I put that in quotes because I told myself that is what I was doing..It keeps anyone that is alcoholic in constant withdrawl because you ALWAYS want more. I had to reset my date..been sober ever since. And I don't know this to be fact..but I was sober for a good six weeks before I decided the control experiment- I am not sure if it was because my tolerence was down or what..but it scared me the way the alcohol took effect. It was not like when I was drinking all the time..I had NO control.

Anna

Hi Kashka,

Welcome!

I think that you see that you looking for happiness outside of yourself. And, I did the same thing for many years, and it's a futile search.

What I needed to do was to stop and look inward at myself. It was really, really hard and painful, but by doing that, I was able to forgive myself and begin to like and love who I am.

Kashka

Wow, thanks for all the great replies. You all are so nice and non-judgemental!

Its nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings about alcohol. In the past I've dieted using HCG and it seemed to help my alcohol cravings a lot while doing so. At the same time, I have to wonder if just stopping was what helped my cravings. Just not having it in my system and the constant withdrawl. The problem is HCG isn't a lifelong solution. I need to figure out something more long term.

I'm looking into Kudzu. I've read some good reviews online. The thing is, I've examined myself so much for so long, I just know exactly why I feel the way I feel. I just don't know how to change it. I've been to therapy, they just sit there while you spill your guts. So you spill them and then you walk away saying...now what? I feel like there is something deeper. More physiological. More physical. Less emotional. I feel like alcoholics and sugar addicts and drug addicts have a brain chemistry issue. Thats what I'd really like to figure out. What is missing in the brain that wants this constant buzz? Its gotta be something....

Thanks again for all the feedback, I appreciate it a lot!

oakleaf82

The problem with moderation for me was once I had the first drink my judgment was completely shot and I ignored all the limits I had set for myself. I think it is easier to just not start. Best of luck, you have come to the right place.

Mark75

Maybe it's not just psychological or physiological... have you considered a spiritual approach? Many consider this missing ... missing whatever... to be a hole in our soul... we were always trying to fill it with booze, only to find we were just making it deeper and wider...

Give it a thought.

LaFemme

Hi Kashka!

I could practically have written justjos post, minus the kids and alcoholic sister (I had severe family illness issues from the age of 7 on).

Anyway....I thought a lot like you vis-a-vis sugar/physiological aspects of alcoholisn...there are a number of theories on the subject....we even Have a thread around here somewhere on it....I will look for it later. I read a book once called "6months to sobriety" it addressed the physical problems.

I have tried therapy and now work with a life coach....I think the key with therapy is finding a person who gives you what you need. My coach is helping me remove some of the obstacles I have built that block my self love. I have homework and I love that yes, I am a geek

I have just over 5 months sobriety and everything is changing...my mindset, my self perception and awareness, my relationships with my family. I know none of this would be happening if I was drinking....could I go back to social drinking? The question is moot for me...I see no reason to drink anymore.

Hugs, LaFemme

johndelko408

Well good luck on trying to cut back or moderate as most of us AA's call it. I've tried to cut back, getting a week or two at most and then I was back to drinking everyday again. I didn't want to be a drunk, but i had to accept the fact that I was. I didn't want to go to AA or be in recovery and I didn't want to stop drinking either. Like you I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without alcohol. But I got into recovery and I realized what I was doing before was not living at all, it was a mere pitiful existance. I like my life better in recovery, now i cant imagine ever going back to alcohol, I love my life too much to.

If you get to the point were you feel you've hit your bottom will be here still and AA will always be there too. Just don't let your bottom get to low. I used to draw a new line tor myself all the time, when I get to this point I'll quit. That point would come and I'd draw a new line. This is a progressive disease, it only gets worse never better.

reggiewayne

Hi Kashka. The idea behind AA is that at some point we cross the line and become an alcoholic. Once that is done it's essentially impossible to go back to being a social drinker. You can certainly try it if you'd like and see if you can do it. I tried for 10 years to be a "social drinker".

You say that "right now alcohol is the only thing I really enjoy". There in lies the problem. We weren't put on this earth to be isolated and drink. We find the most joy in being around other people and feeling useful. On premise of AA is that alcohol is but a symptom of further/deeper issues. For me, there were so many reasons why I drank. Shame, euphoric recall, fear, lonely, stress, I could go on. I have found a group of people in AA that I want to be a part of. For me, this is a huge motivator. I like these people and want to maintain almost daily contact with them. If I drink, I can't do that.

There's a sense of "we're all in this together" that I get from AA. Plus those people have been were I've been. Living a life that the only enjoyment is drinking poison is not a life (I lived it for many years). Working with others, helping, being honest with ourselves, engaging in life, for me, is where the true joy is.

Drinking is only mentioned in the first step. The 12 steps are a guide on how to live life on life's terms. Doing a moral inventory, admitting when we are wrong, trying to make ammends to people that we have wronged, none of those involve drinking. The are designed to rid us of shame and discontent.

When I was drinking I was either mad, lonely, depressed, hungover, always looking over my shoulder, and basically miserable. I LOOKED TO THE NEXT DRINK BECAUSE IT TEMPORARILY TOOK THOSE FEELINGS AWAY. The problem is, it also caused all of them. It's like jumping in the pool in hopes of not feeling the rain. If you go under water, you can't feel the raindrops, but you're still wet... Alcohol temporarily fixed problems that it caused. Cunning, baffling, powerful. That's what alcohol is.

One reason you might be depressed is you are drinking a depressant nightly. Duh (lol)... The obsession of the first drink and to drink like normal people can consume us. Realize this, normal drinkers don't look forward to drinking as much as you and me - hence why they are normal drinkers. A normal drinker would not say the only thing they enjoy is drinking...

For me, recovery is wonderful. I am no longer consumed with drinking. The planning that used to go into is exhausting. Through AA I have had a spiritual awakening. I am not religious btw, but I do have a higher power and I do pray to him daily. I ask him to watch over me and reveal himself to me in a way that I might understand (sounds corny, but it's worked). I simply ask for a daily repreave from the obsession of the first drink. I feel that he will do that for me if I am active in meetings, this forum, working with others, being a good husband, father, etc...

To sum it up, if you are in recovery you won't dwell on the drinking so much. Again, it is but a symptom. I wish you the best. AA is not the only way to get sober, but for me it's the only thing that worked.

CarolD

Welcome....

When drinking turned me into a depressed woman
I made the decision to quit
No..I did not use med's for de toxing or cravings.
Yes...I did committ to God and AA.

It's true..many people do quit without a trditional structured program.
AA is not for everyone...

You may find this article interesting

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...640436,00.html

hope you find something to benefit you....

lococerveza

What got me thinking, as a drunk, was a quote from Andy Dufrain from Shawshank Redemption..."Get busy living or get busy dying." It comes down to that. It is a scary thought,but it is the truth. I am working on living.....it is hard, but it is worth it. I say it to myself every damn day, has worked so far.

VeeTee

HI Kashka,
I read this great book: Under the Influence by James Milam andt Katherine Ketcham. It explains the physiological reasons why some people crave alcohol llike crazy and others don't. I found the book very insightful and it helped me understand that I don't drink because I am some mental maniac (although drinking might turn me into one) but because my body handles alcohol differently.

take care
vee