Kashka

I'm new to this place- just reading around and seeing what people are saying.

I have a problem with alcohol. I like it too much, and I want it too much. I don't get wasted, I wouldn't even say that I get drunk. But I drink a few drinks a night, every night. If I don't drink at night, I want to. During the day I'm sullen, quiet, lonely. At night when I finally let myself open a bottle of champagne I'm relaxed, happy and I can just enjoy being.

I want to go back to being a social drinker but it seems like everyone says that isn't how it works. I just can't accept that. Right now alcohol is the only thing that I really enjoy, Since I quit smoking cigarettes 6 years ago, its become my new "thing". I feel like I can't get rid of the alcohol until I have another new "thing" to replace it.

I just can't stomach the thought of stopping forever. I still miss cigarettes and I don't want the sadness and pain of missing alcohol too. Does anyone ever just cut back? Any luck with prescriptions or supplements to get rid of the desire? I never cared about drinking until I had my stomach stapled 10 years ago and then once the cigarettes were gone too, I just fell in love with it. I guess deep down I don't like who I am, I have no idea how people learn to "love themselves".

It just seems like everything I read about recovery and sobriety is so....on the surface. I don't get it! I've read the 12 steps, I don't know what I'm missing.

Thanks for reading, I just need to let off a little steam. I've been so depressed for the last 6 months and it finally occurred to me its probably from all the drinking. I hate coming to terms with it.