Give it time. You were with him for 30 years. It will take you some time to work through everything to heal. You can do it though. One step at a time. I was with XAH for only 18 years and 2 years down the line I still think about him a lot. 18 years is a long time for habits to form and it will take me a while to break them completely.
XAH found someone else while we were still married. I too didn't get him begging me to come back. But you know what? That's OK. What he does/doesn't do isn't a reflection on me and my worth. It IS a reflection of him. The OW spared me even more grief, anger and manipulation from XAH. I'm grateful I didn't have to go through what many here have had to. I hope that, with time, work and counselling, you too will come to see this as a good thing.
Progress not perfection has been my motto for a while now. Be kind to yourself.