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Feeling like I'm back to square one...

Old 12-20-2010, 10:21 PM
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Feeling like I'm back to square one...

I think I am feeling a little too sorry for myself but the pain and almost a sense of panic I am experiencing is making me feel like I am regressing and not moving forward. I know my husband is an alcoholic and I know I made the right decision by detaching while still in the relationship. I also feel deep down that I made the right decision by telling him our 30 year marriage was over as I didn't want to watch him slowly destroy himself.

I just never expected it to hurt so much. We have been separated since July and have had minimal contact. I have never called him and though it is hard I feel for me this is the best course of action. The few times he has called resulted in him getting very angry. He now sends texts but they are only regarding household stuff. I usually don't bother answering them.

I have now heard that he is living with a woman and to be frank...I feel just sick. I know he needs someone else to enable him and I know he blames me for the reason he drank. But how do you not take it personally?? How can I only concentrate on me without thoughts of him constantly invading me??

Another thing I find hard is when visiting this website ( and I do so regularly) is that it makes me feel bad that he doesn't even want to be with me. He has just moved on. It was bad enough that he made no attempt to try to keep his wife and sons. I know I am rambling and now I can't see screen because of tears so I will say goodnight.
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Old 12-20-2010, 11:04 PM
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I am not an expert at any of this, the only thing I can say is I do not think alcoholics that are actively drinking have concerns for the damage they place on other people. He may be with a new woman but in time if he does not change she will be dealing with the same issues that made you leave.

Since you are done with him perhaps you can look forward and release him to his own destructive behavior. If he really cared he would have changed when he had the chance.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:26 AM
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Give it time. You were with him for 30 years. It will take you some time to work through everything to heal. You can do it though. One step at a time. I was with XAH for only 18 years and 2 years down the line I still think about him a lot. 18 years is a long time for habits to form and it will take me a while to break them completely.

XAH found someone else while we were still married. I too didn't get him begging me to come back. But you know what? That's OK. What he does/doesn't do isn't a reflection on me and my worth. It IS a reflection of him. The OW spared me even more grief, anger and manipulation from XAH. I'm grateful I didn't have to go through what many here have had to. I hope that, with time, work and counselling, you too will come to see this as a good thing.

Progress not perfection has been my motto for a while now. Be kind to yourself.
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:41 AM
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hello westbank-

you are not back to square one! if you were back to square one, you'd be living with an alcoholic.

i know it hurts that he is living with a new woman. believe me, i know. but it's not a reflection on you. it's just the drink. you started to get in the way of his drinking.

i doubt very much it's a bed of roses in his new life. how could it be? we both know the ups and downs of an alcoholic.

give it some time. it's only been 6 months. it will get better.

try to be kind to yourself. take care of yourself. take all that energy in your head that you spend on him and begin to redirect it to yourself. do something that makes you feel gorgeous...treat yourself a good haircut or some highlights? some exercise? change your eating habits and loose a bit of weight?

i know it's hard but try to mix up your daily routine a bit...do somethings that you don't normally do...maybe sign up for a yoga class? join the local gym? take a ballroom dancing class?

what is it that you've always wanted to do but didn't have the time for? i know you lost your part-time job, so it sounds as if you have some free time opened up.

lastly, i find that the best way to get my mind off of myself and my problems is to be of service somehow to other people. when my father died, my mother started volunteering, taking care of little babies. that brought her much joy and got her mind off of her sadness.

try throwing yourself into something new and see if that doesn't lift your spirits.

naive
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Old 12-21-2010, 07:19 AM
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All good advice here...do something wonderful just for you.

Naive is absolutely right...you got in the way of the drinking...he needed to find someone who did not, at the moment.

Make that list of all the reasons you ended the relationship. And try not to fantasize, as many of us do, that with someone else, our As are everything we hoped they'd be. They are not. They are still who they were when we decided we just could not take anymore.

Take care of you
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