My ex Alcoholic defacto cannot stop drinking. We have met on a few occasions recently and he says he wants to stop and still loves me and wants to be there for me and our daughter. He went away for a couple of weeks, stayed with his A father and non-A brother and he remained sober in that time. He came back home and has been making up for lost time, being drunk 24/7 for the last 3.5 weeks.
Anyway, because he is 'a great guy when he doesn't drink', and because I STILL have feelings for him, I prayed my heart out to God and asked for a miracle. Then I typed miracle cure for alcoholism into the computer and found something that seemed to me, a miracle. It is called The Sinclair Method...where you take medication one hour before drinking and then drink to your hearts content. Basically over time, it works on the receptors in your brain and fixes the neural pathways until the A abstains from alcohol or becomes a 'normal' drinker again. If the A wants to remain 'sober' they take the medication for life, only on the days they drink. So, I think "Wow, I've found the miracle cure! , (for the physical part of the addiction anyway). My ex will love this because he doesn't want to face a life of never drinking again and drinking to sobriety seems to me, an alcoholics dream!"
So, I tell the ex. I tell him it if he chose to take the medication, it may help him with the physical part of the dis-ease over time, which would leave the emotional/spiritual side. At the time, he seemed mildly enthusiastic. He said he "might try it" and I, in all my codie-ness decided to show him information on the computer about this method, to which he displayed no interest saying he was "tired".
Then last week, I copped the worst abusive phone call from him whilst he was drunk! It was horrendous...It made Mel Gibson's drunken outbursts seem tame. Normally, I hang up on him when I recognise he's been drinking. This time though, I chose to stay on the phone and listen. I really needed to take in what this man is like when he drinks because I tend minimise and rationalise his drunken behaviour, preferring to focus on and believe in the 'Dr Jeckyll' side of his personality instead of the vicious and hideous "Mr Hyde".
So, my exercise in finding the 'cure' for the ex has resulted in me questioning how far I've really come in my recovery. I suppose it's okay that I would share some new information with him, especially apparent "ground breaking", so called "cures" (yeah, right...the alcohol is but a mere symptom of a greater emotional and spiritual malady), but it still shows me I was focussing on him instead of me. It's also helped me realise AGAIN, this man WANTS to be drunk. He LOVES it. He tells me he loves drinking and going "out there" and "searching" and listening to music while he drinks. It's helped me realise, AGAIN, that there is no miracle. He and any alcoholic will only get sober IF they have their own light bulb moment and choose to get sober and I also realise that some people will never get well.
Right now, I feel like I'm done with him...I'm also disappointed in myself. I know it can be like three steps forward, two back, but I'm wondering how many more years is it going to take for me to 'get it'?
