I'm sorry you had a rough day. It is like grief. Grieving the loss of a relationship and of a dream. That is real. It does get better with time, less sharp.
I enabled my xah a lot, from the beginning of our relationship. Not just with alcohol but I just took care of everything. We went through life like that. Things just became worse and worse over time. We didn't really fight. Neither one of us like to argue so we didn't. We were together 16 years and I can count on one hand the number of arguments we got into and even they were lo-key. Like with many A's he was apparently dumbfounded that I wanted a divorce.
So when I did file for divorce and we were going through that process - I was so unprepared for the awfulness that came. The willingness to do anything to cut me to the core. The flagrant emotional manipulation and threats. The constant insults and accusations. The meanness. That is when I knew, for certain, that this was not the man I thought he was.
I sometimes feel like I never loved him. That I was just checking off boxes on my list of things to do in life. I don't even know anymore but it sure feels like he was doing the same thing. We were both to unhealthy to have a real relationship so I don't blame him really, or even blame the alcohol. Blame doesn't seem the right thing to do but the fact is he the work to fix himself was to much. We weren't worth it. That isn't love of us or of self. It isn't anything I want to be close to.