Thinking too much today. :(

Old 12-16-2010, 01:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Thinking too much today. :(

I've been doing pretty well with our breakup. I just couldn't take my situation anymore.

Today I've been thinking too much and am a little down. We had our gift exchange at work and our holiday party is this weekend. I'm sad that I won't be bringing my ex. I have to remind myself that our relationship was really bad because of the drinking.

We are no longer in contact, but I had gotten some sappy I love you messages. He asked me to take him to an AA meeting to later do nothing as far as I know. I'm pretty certain that was just a bunch of quacking.

The few times I had talked to him, he asked me to take a trip with him over Christmas because "it sucks to be alone" that day as he put it. I didn't even answer the question the last time. I can't say what I really want to say and so I just ignored it.

Today I started thinking too much. I'm sad today. This is not the person I knew. I feel like, "Is that what our relationship came down to after all those years together?" The rest of the year his friends are the priority and getting drunk. But on that one day that he can't handle alone, he really wants me. Talk about being used.

And how can they not see it? This is an intelligent person.

I think, "My God. Did this person ever really love me at all?"

It's just a sh*tty sh*tty feeling.

Would anyone else like to share their own feelings on that? On their own situation? Or mine or just share anything please.
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Old 12-16-2010, 01:10 PM
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I have spent a lot of time in thinking was it all a lie? Didn't he love me? He loved alcohol. His kids, his well being, me were all second, third, fourth to his one true love. VODKA. As long as we made it easy for the lifestyle to continue, we were ok. If we made waves or cut off support, they have to find someone else to take care of them. They will always be taken care of. Don't we deserve more than that? Who will take care of us? Not them.
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Old 12-16-2010, 01:33 PM
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I remember feeling that way about a year before I left XAH. I started to uncover the lies and it became apparent to me that I was just one in a long line of women he's duped, used till there was nothing left but resentment, and later thrown away.

Once I got a clear picture of his past wives/babymamas, I realized that it was not a reflection on ME and MY WORTH as an individual that I'd been was a reflection *his* worth. Yes, I let it go on longer than a lot of his previous wives...I guess I just wasn't ready to accept that I didn't need to save him in order to feel worthy.

I'm ready now.

goldengirl...I feel like you'll be ready soon. Your question "My God, did this person ever really love me?" will turn into a statement of fact "This person never did really love me and that's a total loss for him".
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Old 12-16-2010, 01:34 PM
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I'm thinking a lot today too.

I honestly don't think the As can help it. I think their brains are so numbed by their brain-numbing DOC, they cannot get past themselves. They just can't.

I am feeling for you. Big (((HUGS)))


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Old 12-17-2010, 07:39 PM
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I dont think they are capable of loving. Love starts with loving yourself.....and they dont.
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Old 12-17-2010, 09:03 PM
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I'm sorry you had a rough day. It is like grief. Grieving the loss of a relationship and of a dream. That is real. It does get better with time, less sharp.

I enabled my xah a lot, from the beginning of our relationship. Not just with alcohol but I just took care of everything. We went through life like that. Things just became worse and worse over time. We didn't really fight. Neither one of us like to argue so we didn't. We were together 16 years and I can count on one hand the number of arguments we got into and even they were lo-key. Like with many A's he was apparently dumbfounded that I wanted a divorce.

So when I did file for divorce and we were going through that process - I was so unprepared for the awfulness that came. The willingness to do anything to cut me to the core. The flagrant emotional manipulation and threats. The constant insults and accusations. The meanness. That is when I knew, for certain, that this was not the man I thought he was.

I sometimes feel like I never loved him. That I was just checking off boxes on my list of things to do in life. I don't even know anymore but it sure feels like he was doing the same thing. We were both to unhealthy to have a real relationship so I don't blame him really, or even blame the alcohol. Blame doesn't seem the right thing to do but the fact is he the work to fix himself was to much. We weren't worth it. That isn't love of us or of self. It isn't anything I want to be close to.
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