Hi Rhode - Glad you're here!
The drinking affects her into being more irritable, more tired, less attentive to the kids, an occasional burst of anger. But she is not an abusive parent in the more typical sense of the word. And I may not be objective because they are my children – but I think they are growing well and happy and I’m proud of their achievements. They are almost always jovial and boisterous and have no behavior problems that can be attributed to their mom being an alcoholic.
I have alcohol related memories as far back as first grade - so what's that 6 or 7?
I ALWAYS knew there was something wrong in our family. And I was outwardly a very jovial, fun-loving, active and high-achieving (until adolesence) kid. I loved my father, I loved my family. Naturally.
I was also learning a whole HEAP of seriously unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns. My mother's denial did as much damage as my dad's alcoholism. I was taught a very wrong and sick dynamic as "normal" in relationships.
Be aware of denial and magical thinking, as it relates to your kids. They want to please their parents, they love their parents and they will show you outwardly what it is you want to see trying to keep the peace. OMG how many little shows did I put on trying to distract and keep the peace. Blech.
I wish there had been ONE SINGLE courageous adult in my family who had come to me and said - "what's going on in your family and causing you all this inner anxiety is called alcoholism, it affects the whole family, it is not your fault" and then guided me to some counseling or reading - some HONESTY.
A lot of energy on my mom's part was spent protecting my father. A lot. That just wasn't right.
Peace-
B