yorkiegirl

JW123,

I left my husband a year and four/five months ago because I could no longer take the drinking. We had been married 9 years at that time and together for 14. He was getting worse and worse. At the time our daughter was three and a half years old. I was angry at myself that I wasn't strong enough to leave earlier. It took me three and a half years of my daughter's life to pass (important, critical years of her life) to finally do it --leave. I felt I had no other option left. He certainly wasn't going to leave. I felt like a failure too. I was supposed to be in this "for better or for worse" (and to be there for my husband in his time of need as his addiction seemed to worsen), yet my emotional, mental and physical being was being compromised. I was not liking the person I had become. Most of all, I feared what staying with my AH was doing to our daughter. I had to let go of the "fantasy family" I had constructed in my head and tried to project to the world (all of our annual happy Christmas photos & family Christmas letter I would send out to all of our extended family and friends each year boasting of yet another amazing year we had had together). Leaving my AH was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn't want to be divorced. I didn't want to be a single mother. (I didn't want my daughter to not have a father). The truth is, I *was* alone. I *was* a single mother. My daughter never really had her father. It was all my fantasy --my false hopes-- that we were a family and that those half-days or few hours of sobriety per day gave me enough to fantasize about a sober, responsible life partner & father for our daughter. . . (how it hurts to even think how I rationalized such an unhealthy situation).

Leaving him was not only the best thing for me & our daughter to remove ourselves from active alcoholism, *but* it was the best thing for my AH. Now, I look back and think, "Was I the last enabler standing in his way?" (Yes, I believe I was). We now have a chance at being a family because he and I are both in recovery.

I wish I could say that my leaving was an example of my unconditional love, as LaTeeDa stated in an above post. It wasn't. It was me backed up against a wall scared and defeated, knowing that all the air had deflated from my hope balloon (and desperate to do something different for my daughter. (I was, for too long, doing the same thing over and over, expecting/hoping for a different result. Yes, insane!)

LaTeeDa:
You make it sound like it's something you already have and you would be giving it up if you left..........

So, in other words, you're scared to leave because you might never have what you already don't have?

Again, wow, LaTeeDa. I feel like you are calling me out on my past! Thank you!

JW123, keep posting here and reading. Even though I feel like I'm an expert on addiction, I am learning so much from this forum. There are so many amazing, wise people who speak from their rich experiences & knowledge.