Ready2 -- In AA, we call what you are feeling "the gift of desperation"..
The point is that it sounds like "you are done" with the addiction thing. What you have been doing in the past isn't working.
So, why not give AA/NA a try? What is it going to hurt?
We must learn that recovery is our #1 priority - as without recovery, we lose everything else.
Remember that all the bad things that happen to many alcoholics/addicts can and will happen to you if you continue down this path. This is a progressive disease.
I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain today. For me, it was the steps of recovery that allowed me to first deal with, and then remove that pain. Many places have 24x7 AA meetings over the Holiday called Alkathons. Perhaps stop by one.
When you are done, you will be done. Why not make today that day?