lost in all of this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: porterville
Posts: 13
lost in all of this
i have been fighting a losing battle with addiction for 24 years now and i cant understand why i cant get past these things and move on with my life. i always end up using something and hurting those who love me the most. it kills me to see the hurt in their face.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,778
Do you have any support system in place? I found that seeing my addiction counselor once a week has helped me stay sober and manage my life. I'd also suggest seeing your doctor to help you quit using your drug of choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: California
Posts: 62
For What is Worth
I hear your pain, and my hope is that you will find some peace. I am on Day 15 and the only thing that keeps me clean is the support I have found at SR. I know I need more support so I am going to an AA meeting soon. I also plan on reading the Big Book everyone is talking about - whatever it is, all I know is that it is a big book 
. My prayers are with you.
. My prayers are with you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Welcome ready2
I don't know what your poison is, but it was really important to me to realise I'm an alcoholic and that that doesn't go away just because I'm not drinking.
I've built a fantastic new life for myself but it's contingent on me staying sober - so I do all I can to maintain that.
What did you do to maintain your sobriety in the year you were sober, ready2?
D
You'll find a lot of support here.
I don't know what your poison is, but it was really important to me to realise I'm an alcoholic and that that doesn't go away just because I'm not drinking.
I've built a fantastic new life for myself but it's contingent on me staying sober - so I do all I can to maintain that.
What did you do to maintain your sobriety in the year you were sober, ready2?
D
You'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: porterville
Posts: 13
Lost in all of this
My substance of choice has been just about everything and anything I could get my hands on. From tobacco at the age of 8 to everything under the sun up till three days ago when my wife once again found out I was using again. It blows my mind that I'm an smart man with a great job( law enforcement) and a beautiful wife and kids And I still can't control my addiction. My job makes it hard for me to get help in the small town I live in, people tend to frown on a cop going to an aa or NA meeting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: porterville
Posts: 13
Lost in all of this
I've seen numerous doctors/psychiatrist and they seem to help but for one reason or another I always slip back into my old habits. Research shows that 50% of cops are devoured and 50% are addicts. I don't want to be part of that group anymore!!! My wife has stuck by me through a lot but I can't continue to let her and my kids down. I'm a functioning addict. I pay my bills, go to work and even have extra money to put away in the bank every month. I think that's how I keep falling back into this situation. I seem to justify my addictions through my ability to hold it all together even when I'm strung out or on a drinking bing.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Ready,
I am former LEO and retired military. In our little AA meeting we have one sherrif's deputy that comes in, in uniform, armed and with his name tag on, during his supper hour. He is from our little area too. We have a vet, and nurses etc.
You have made a convincing argument for your need to get outside help. You have made it clear that what you have done in the past does not work for you, that you always go back.
Then you make it clear that you aren't going to get help, and you're going to do what hasn't worked in the past, again. This seems to be a recurring theme with addicts and alcoholics. I know I bought into doing the same thing over and over when it didn't work as if the next time it would.
I am sorry but I would bet that more people already know than you realize. Me personally I would rather be known for being in recovery, and making headway than being an alcoholic. And to be honest I would rather have that deputy that comes to meetings answer a call when I am in need than any of the others that haven't been where we have been. I know of a fella from over in Texas who recovered from alcoholism and even though he wasn't my choice or favorite went on in his sobriety to become Governor and then president. Everybody knew his past too, at least in Texas.
You're here and that is a big step bud! And you have admitted that you have a great family that deserves more from you. And that sober/straight you can deliver.
I tried by myself and never made it. Heck you made it way longer than me, I never last a day. This time I went for help, got my Doc involved did detox in the hospital, saw counselors, then joined here and AA.
I did everything I could to make it. And I am quite frankly surprised at how much of a non-event it is for everybody other than me.
I wish the same for you.
I am former LEO and retired military. In our little AA meeting we have one sherrif's deputy that comes in, in uniform, armed and with his name tag on, during his supper hour. He is from our little area too. We have a vet, and nurses etc.
You have made a convincing argument for your need to get outside help. You have made it clear that what you have done in the past does not work for you, that you always go back.
Then you make it clear that you aren't going to get help, and you're going to do what hasn't worked in the past, again. This seems to be a recurring theme with addicts and alcoholics. I know I bought into doing the same thing over and over when it didn't work as if the next time it would.
I am sorry but I would bet that more people already know than you realize. Me personally I would rather be known for being in recovery, and making headway than being an alcoholic. And to be honest I would rather have that deputy that comes to meetings answer a call when I am in need than any of the others that haven't been where we have been. I know of a fella from over in Texas who recovered from alcoholism and even though he wasn't my choice or favorite went on in his sobriety to become Governor and then president. Everybody knew his past too, at least in Texas.
You're here and that is a big step bud! And you have admitted that you have a great family that deserves more from you. And that sober/straight you can deliver.
I tried by myself and never made it. Heck you made it way longer than me, I never last a day. This time I went for help, got my Doc involved did detox in the hospital, saw counselors, then joined here and AA.
I did everything I could to make it. And I am quite frankly surprised at how much of a non-event it is for everybody other than me.
I wish the same for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Hi,
Welcome!
I can hear the pain you're feeling in the words you've written, and I hope that you can find some peace in your life.
I think it's really important to make changes in your life that help to keep you on the right path. Have you made changes in the places you go, your friends, social activities?
I r
Welcome!
I can hear the pain you're feeling in the words you've written, and I hope that you can find some peace in your life.
I think it's really important to make changes in your life that help to keep you on the right path. Have you made changes in the places you go, your friends, social activities?
I r
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: porterville
Posts: 13
Lost in all of this
Maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I will look in to some meetings in my are and see if I can find one where I don't recognize 1/2 the people from court. It's just hard to open myself up to people that I might have to deL with later in my job. The few meetings that I've tried to attend have always ended with me leaving right after I get there because someone recognized me as a law enforcement officer. I am reluctant to share my personal life with someone who I might have to arrest next week. I can leave work at work but a lot of other people can't seem to see me as a person who needs help and not a cop.
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
It shouldn't matter that you are a police officer. I've seen judges in AA that have thrown the book at me for DUI. Honestly if I saw the cops that arrested me for my DUI's I wouldn't hold a grudge. I would actually thank them. I had no business being on the road, especially my first DUI, I blew well over twice the legal limit. I could have easily killed someone or myself. I've had my share of run-ins with the law, but you know what their doing their jobs. Law enforcement is an honorable position and people in AA have no problems with police.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
There's one thing worse than being a cop in a small town and that's being a dead cop in a small town. Can you imagine the comments after the funeral, "Oh Bob, he was a great cop, just couldn't put the plug in the jug, poor soul", or something like that.
Funny thing about cops is that they sometimes forget, due to the bravado or whatever, that they're still human. I've known a few in my day and have drank, heavily I might add, with them. I've also drank with squandron CEO's, bank presidents and even went through rehab with a bank president. At the end of the day, as my dad used to say, "We all put our pants on one leg at a time."
Have you considered the positive influence you might have on those very people you claim you may have to arrest later?
What if your presence at a AA meeting helped you, and only one other soul was positively influenced by your presence? Is one other soul worth it to you? How bout several? What if you attended an AA picnic and most of the people there were sober and you missed arresting them over the course of one year because they saw you at an AA meeting and decided if you could do this, they could too? Would it be worth the price of saving yourself in order to help all those others? Would you not be inforcing the law, just by another means? Would you not be helping your fellow man just by being one?
I've known cops, lawyers, dentists and doctors that have died from booze, same as us carpenters do. Choose life, not the badge, and the badge will do just fine.
Funny thing about cops is that they sometimes forget, due to the bravado or whatever, that they're still human. I've known a few in my day and have drank, heavily I might add, with them. I've also drank with squandron CEO's, bank presidents and even went through rehab with a bank president. At the end of the day, as my dad used to say, "We all put our pants on one leg at a time."
Have you considered the positive influence you might have on those very people you claim you may have to arrest later?
What if your presence at a AA meeting helped you, and only one other soul was positively influenced by your presence? Is one other soul worth it to you? How bout several? What if you attended an AA picnic and most of the people there were sober and you missed arresting them over the course of one year because they saw you at an AA meeting and decided if you could do this, they could too? Would it be worth the price of saving yourself in order to help all those others? Would you not be inforcing the law, just by another means? Would you not be helping your fellow man just by being one?
I've known cops, lawyers, dentists and doctors that have died from booze, same as us carpenters do. Choose life, not the badge, and the badge will do just fine.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Ready,
I wouldn't worry if 100% of them recognized me. That is a two way street, I recognize them too. It has been my experience that most of the folks who come to the meetings regularly aren't any longer doing any of the things that you would arrest them for.
Besides Ready AA nor any other recovery program works 100% of the time for everybody, not even close.
What does work most often from what I see is coming out of the "closet" as it were, and getting every resource in addition to your comittment to getting sober working for you, all of which, excepting here on SR, which is a great first step in gaining knowledge of resources available and what to look for, involves face to face and someone recognizing you. Counseling, meetings, in hospital detox, rehab programs, group counseling, etc all involve getting help and being recognized. By fellow alcoholics! "Hey! Did you know Ready is an alkie?" Nooo! "How do you know?" Well errr . . ummm, well I saw him at an AA meeting. "Oh really? What were you doing there?"
You don't have to go to meetings, counseling offers much confidentiality, but usually costs, and the counselors are as often as not have not been alcoholics, although the best are recovered. Telling your Doc gets you confidentiality but most of them aren't very good at counseling per se. And most will not take your calls when you are having a craving crisis.
Again there are many ways to recovery, and my way or another's is not a one size fits all. There are many folks here who do not do AA and never have or tried it and found it not to their liking.
But we do know one thing that does not work for 99.9% of us. Trying to do it alone and in hiding never worked for me.
We all understand your feelings, as we all have been there, done it, got the T-shirt. I know how you feel. I couldn't stop until I got over that. It is tough for a warrior of any stripe to realize that fighting it alone only makes it worse.
I wouldn't worry if 100% of them recognized me. That is a two way street, I recognize them too. It has been my experience that most of the folks who come to the meetings regularly aren't any longer doing any of the things that you would arrest them for.
Besides Ready AA nor any other recovery program works 100% of the time for everybody, not even close.
What does work most often from what I see is coming out of the "closet" as it were, and getting every resource in addition to your comittment to getting sober working for you, all of which, excepting here on SR, which is a great first step in gaining knowledge of resources available and what to look for, involves face to face and someone recognizing you. Counseling, meetings, in hospital detox, rehab programs, group counseling, etc all involve getting help and being recognized. By fellow alcoholics! "Hey! Did you know Ready is an alkie?" Nooo! "How do you know?" Well errr . . ummm, well I saw him at an AA meeting. "Oh really? What were you doing there?"
You don't have to go to meetings, counseling offers much confidentiality, but usually costs, and the counselors are as often as not have not been alcoholics, although the best are recovered. Telling your Doc gets you confidentiality but most of them aren't very good at counseling per se. And most will not take your calls when you are having a craving crisis.
Again there are many ways to recovery, and my way or another's is not a one size fits all. There are many folks here who do not do AA and never have or tried it and found it not to their liking.
But we do know one thing that does not work for 99.9% of us. Trying to do it alone and in hiding never worked for me.
We all understand your feelings, as we all have been there, done it, got the T-shirt. I know how you feel. I couldn't stop until I got over that. It is tough for a warrior of any stripe to realize that fighting it alone only makes it worse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: porterville
Posts: 13
I understand what you are saying. In my eyes it's hard to admit to others that I can't control my own life while on a daily basis I help assist/control the lives of many other people. I'm lucky to have my wife with me by my side to support me but maybe your right this shouldnt be our little secreat anymore. Maybe I need more people in my life involved so that I have a greater chain of support. My kids are still young and I don't want them to know me as the man I've always turned back into a user.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Ready,
I am glad you read me as intended, but there is no getting around it. Tonight I picked up my two month sobriety coin (They call it a chip.) I keep it in my pocket as a good luck token, and as a reminder of my investment and feeling of success. I just realized that when I get my change out at a store I pull it out too, and never really gave it a thought.
I can tell you that being human and alive is easier than maintaining that image of perfection, that we all see through when another does it, but think is working when we do.
I think that if you do set up both a local support network, and keep participating here, and do the work to make it, you'll have no problem. I also think you'll be surprised at how non-judgemental your family and friends will be, in fact how supportive they will be. Now here is the funny part. Good news has a short half life if any. I am only two months sober and my close friends and non-immediate family who were asking how I was doing weekly for the first two weeks and offering help now take for granted I don't drink, and it is all but forgotten that I had to detox and attend AA and here for me to make it. No mention of it now. No elephant in the room, I am just another non-smoker and non-drinker.
Have I made it? Can I declare that this soon in my recovery? Hell yes! I made it today, and when all is said and done, more was done than said.
I have a feeling you'll do fine. I certainly hope that for you.
Life doesn't get any easier with time, sobriety does.
I am glad you read me as intended, but there is no getting around it. Tonight I picked up my two month sobriety coin (They call it a chip.) I keep it in my pocket as a good luck token, and as a reminder of my investment and feeling of success. I just realized that when I get my change out at a store I pull it out too, and never really gave it a thought.
I can tell you that being human and alive is easier than maintaining that image of perfection, that we all see through when another does it, but think is working when we do.
I think that if you do set up both a local support network, and keep participating here, and do the work to make it, you'll have no problem. I also think you'll be surprised at how non-judgemental your family and friends will be, in fact how supportive they will be. Now here is the funny part. Good news has a short half life if any. I am only two months sober and my close friends and non-immediate family who were asking how I was doing weekly for the first two weeks and offering help now take for granted I don't drink, and it is all but forgotten that I had to detox and attend AA and here for me to make it. No mention of it now. No elephant in the room, I am just another non-smoker and non-drinker.
Have I made it? Can I declare that this soon in my recovery? Hell yes! I made it today, and when all is said and done, more was done than said.
I have a feeling you'll do fine. I certainly hope that for you.
Life doesn't get any easier with time, sobriety does.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Lomita, California
Posts: 200
Hi, Ready2 and welcome. You are in one profession I have always respected and knew it must be difficult to perform. And some kind of stress relief is needed. Alcohol and drugs are easy, but so is excercize and meditation.
Don't worry about meetings, either. Like others said, be a role model. The NA meeting here in Southern California that I go to, there are 2 uniformed LA County Sherriff's that come by every night. We joke with them, talk with them, we even say stuff that would get someone busted (what is said in the meeting, stays in the meeting!) we go on weekend rides with them (It's a "biker" meeting, 90% of us ride motorcycles) hey, we are all humans with an addiction of one sort or another. And we need each other to lean on when the crap gets rough.
If not for your career, for your family. Or maybe that should be in reverse. Be strong, bro. And keep posting here.
Don't worry about meetings, either. Like others said, be a role model. The NA meeting here in Southern California that I go to, there are 2 uniformed LA County Sherriff's that come by every night. We joke with them, talk with them, we even say stuff that would get someone busted (what is said in the meeting, stays in the meeting!) we go on weekend rides with them (It's a "biker" meeting, 90% of us ride motorcycles) hey, we are all humans with an addiction of one sort or another. And we need each other to lean on when the crap gets rough.
If not for your career, for your family. Or maybe that should be in reverse. Be strong, bro. And keep posting here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: porterville
Posts: 13
Thank you everyone for all your words of advice. It really helps to have place to talk about what you are going through. Today seems to be the hardest day yet, can't keep my eyes open at work. Just keep nodding of every few mins. This is when I usually give in and use again. Always just; one more time to get through this and then I'll quit! Not today!! I'll drink all the coffee and energy drinks I can get before I fall back into that hell of a life. Anyone know of a good energy drink out there? Most of them don't do the trick. I had one once called something fizz and that seemed to do the job. Can't seem to find it but i keep looking.
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