I don't dream. Well I'm sure I do but I don't remember them ever.
I have had pangs of sadness like you describe though - particularly when doing something that was once a shared joy. Camping was a big one for us. I had such mixed emotions when we went camping this summer (and I know my older son did too). There were so many good memories surrounding camping yet our last camping trip together was total disaster and I filed for divorce a week after.
He has been sober ( he has shared this in an email ) for over 9 months. I know he loves me, but I need time in my own recovery before I ever think of a relationship with him again.
That shows such strength, self-care, and awareness. You are going to have an amazing life, where ever it leads you. I'm not sure that makes these rocky parts any easier to travel but keep on keeping on!