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This thread is very heartbreaking. It's obvious how very much you love your children and you must love your AH to stay with him through such an ordeal for so long. You are a good, kind, loving woman. I hope that you are taking some of that kindness and love and showering it on the person who deserves it most....you.
Sometimes we get so wound up in the addict and the children that we completely forget about ourselves and we become so very sick. At least.....I can speak for myself here.
Just curious.....do you attend any Naranon or Alanon meetings or anything? One of the primary goals of the 12 step programs is to help US find and maintain serenity whether the addict in our lives is using or not. It sure helps me. I hope you'll do some things to really nurture yourself......you are worth it and you deserve it.
gentle hugs