goldengirl
I'm so sorry that you're down today. We all have those days that are hard to get through.
I don't know the answers to all of your questions. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you......an innocent raised with such chaos around you. Validating those feelings, acknowledging them, realizing that you "earned" the right to feel them is all ok. Then......you can begin to heal.
gentle hugs