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I am sad today.

Old 11-16-2010, 03:48 PM
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I am sad today.

I am generally upbeat from day to day. Unless there is a lot of drama in my life.

My mother's sister emailed me earlier today. She was complaining of how her step-daughter's husband has chosen his girlfriend over their children when visiting in town for the weekend. He is an alcoholic and very severly depressed and also has very little interest in his kids. She couldn't get over how a parent could choose a girlfriend over their child.

It made me think and remember. My mother used to run the bars and sleep with lots of men. She used to bring them home and I had to listen to it all night. I remember going to school tired from not being able to sleep from all their noises. And I felt like crap because no one cared that I could hear everything or that I was being exposed to s*x at a young age. She even once moved a man from prison in the house. My father called my mother and told her to choose because he didn't want me living with the man...she chose the man from prison and so I moved in with my dad. When she didn't get her child support check, she called my dad and asked for me to move back in. My aunt lived in town and is a self-proclaimed enabler. She told me that my mother needed her own life and that I needed to mind my own business.

I wrote her back today and gently said, "Yeah I know how that feels...." She didn't seem to like that.

And then I started to think too much.

Why do people choose alcohol over the people they are supposed to care about? Why do people even years later refuse to take responsiblilty for how they treat others? Why do some people never seem to see the pain they cause in others? Why does life sometimes have to be that way.

Why did my mother choose those things over me? Why did my aunt always rescue her? And why did my ex choose alcohol over me and at one time his ex-wife?

I don't expect anything from anyone here. I just wanted to rant.

Share whatever you want and distract me please.
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freefalling (11-16-2010)
Old 11-16-2010, 04:20 PM
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Goldengirl:

I am so sorry that you had to go thru this with your mother and later in life your xabf. I am too dealing w/ my AH and ask myself the same questions. Why would he rather go into the garage on a Saturday night and drink himself under the table instead of spending time w/ his wife talking to me, making love to me. Why?

I have no idea how a mother could put anything or anyone before her child. I could never do it but I know people who have. My own husband is doing it w/ beer, wine and vodka. He does it to me and to our two small children and the pain is becoming agonizing as I feel as though I am waking up from this nightmare and need to act.

Again, I am so sorry I pray for peace for you.

Be well!
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freefalling (11-16-2010)
Old 11-16-2010, 04:28 PM
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Well you ask a lot of questions that either don't have answers or don't have the ones you want to hear.

I can relate to sadness when I think of the things my mother did or did not do and how it affects my life.

I can relate to sadness when I think of the things my AH did or did not do and how it affects my life.

Talking to others, listening to music and staying busy are good distractions for me. Attending alanon helps to educate and keep the focus on ways I can take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings in the situation.
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Old 11-16-2010, 05:56 PM
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Dear Goldengirl, I think you know all about my story so I'm not going to repeat it again. I had taken the liberty of telling my story here on SR and someone insulted me by saying I was "Poor Me" talking. I am recovering from being physically broke, and as a result my inner strength is, also, weakened. The bashing was the LAST thing I needed! You showed me your concern and understanding and I want to say Thank You!

I've had an AAAAHHHHAAA moment of what's going on with me! My AH wants everything I do, which is limited, to be run through him for his acceptance. He wants me to talk to him, which I have done. When I ask him to do something for me, he just ignores me! He had an allegic reaction to something. It started with all his arm turning purple. Stupid Me! I recommended that he go see a doctor. Instead he turned this around and accused me of something he thought he knew something about, which wasn't the way he had perceived things at all. My AH's allegic reaction spread as a major rash throughout his entire body. He says he's researched his problem on the internet and he knows what's wrong with him, so now he has quit taking his anti-depressant. He's been dignosed with major depression. He's been under the care of a psychriatrist and taking his anti-depressant for over two years.

I've had the question of "why has it taken me so long to realize my problems?" rolling around in my head all day.

Fell free to PM me!
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freefalling (11-16-2010)
Old 11-16-2010, 07:35 PM
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goldengirl
I'm so sorry that you're down today. We all have those days that are hard to get through.

I don't know the answers to all of your questions. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you......an innocent raised with such chaos around you. Validating those feelings, acknowledging them, realizing that you "earned" the right to feel them is all ok. Then......you can begin to heal.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-16-2010, 10:14 PM
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Denial is a self-protection mechanism. It has a very useful purpose--to protect us from things we are too overwhelmed to deal with. It can, however, become a problem when the initial shock subsides and we still cling to it.

Your story reminded me of one time when my sister and I were visiting my mother. We went to the grocery store and walked by a car in the parking lot with two unsupervised children in the car. My mother expressed her disgust and judgement over how a parent could just go in the grocery store and leave her children in the car. My sister and I looked at each other in shock and amazement, both remembering all the times she and my father left us in the car for hours at a time while they were in the bar. My mother still does not see the disconnect in her laughable self-righteousness.

There is no breaking through another person's denial. You know the truth and you are uncovering it and working through it. Difficult and painful as it is, your life will be better for it. Days like the one you had today are hard, to put it mildly. But it's so much better than denial.

L
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