"Thank you for all your responses. Wow I have come to the right place. I guess having never been with or exposed to alcholism (I come from a very sheltered past) that I dont understand it. I want to see the best in him. Not fix him - that is for him to do but I am fast beginning to understand that perhaps my divorce has something with me putting up with this type of nonsense - I feel rejected as my Husband left for another woman and so perhaps I just want anyone to just "love me" - silly hey."
Not at all silly - and I don't think that having your husband walk out on you for a friend constitutes a sheltered past. That's a huge wound and a huge betrayal. I was with a "recovering" alcoholic for about a year who did the same withdrawal routine, then confessed about his relapse, then did exactly what your BF is doing. Which, so far as I can tell, is to change all the rules of your relationship overnight and tell you that your (understandable) confusion and anxiety is "pressuring" him.
Funny thing happens with alcohol - alcoholics know that it's not good for them. And yet they press their luck. That's what happens with a relapse - it's an exercise in "maybe this time I can get away with this and it will be different." And in parallel, they start to press their luck with the people who love them. If this man had treated you this way at the start of the relationship, you would have run for the hills. But he's banking on you being hooked in enough that he can start to show you who he really is when he's drinking.
Dollars to doughnuts, his alcoholism had something to do with the ending of his marriage. My XABF wasn't drinking when we started dating (also separated, 18 months, divorce became final soon after we became a couple). I think he felt like he had made a fresh start. He liked who he was sober. He liked me. Everything was hunky dory. When he relapsed my best guess is that he couldn't write his "problem" off as being tied to his bad marriage. He didn't like himself so much. Tried to get sober again. Failed. Liked himself even less.
And his behavior towards me, in hindsight, mirrored -exactly- his treatment towards himself, and his feelings towards himself. By the end he was a puddle of self-loathing. And he behaved as though he loathed me. Totally confusing and really brutal. I had a major loss not long before we met and I really, really needed for this to be my "one good thing." I picked the absolute worst bet to be my "one good thing" and it was a really painful journey.
It's okay that this man is an alcoholic. It's not your fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. His behavior will get worse, not better and you can decide, at any time, that you are worth more than your husband's despicable betrayal and this man's addiction. Because you are. You don't owe him anything.
Hugs,
SL