First of all - It's ok to put yourself first tmbg....
There's the old adage of the mother and babies on the plane...it's going down - and the mother puts the oxygen mask on herself first - because that's the way she knows she can stay alert and focused, do her best for her kids, and maybe get them all out of there.
now I'll see if I can do justice to this question....
Still, as a seeker, I have to ask: was it the near-death experience that caused change/sobriety for you?--so many who post here are at that point or feeling that way. I see them come and go.
I can't speak for anyone else but yeah - that was the moment I fully accepted what I was doing was going to kill me - in fact I thought it had.
Until then I was playing - I was really still looking for my way - a way to drink and not have to change my life.
That night I accepted that I was an alcoholic...and whatever else I did, alcohol was not an option for me - not if I wanted to live.
I was lucky that I got a second chance.
The fear was mindnumbingly real and it stayed for a long time, but it passes - you need something else to keep the commitment long term, I think.
You mentioned spiritual awakening.
I'm not an AAer and I came into this a humanist, but even before I knew what to call it I found the longer I stayed sober my perception of the world, and myself, was changing.
I think a lot of that was me helping other folks here in an attempt to get out of my own head a little.
I really appreciated, for the first time in years how connected I was to everyone and everything.
Without going into hyperbole I realised how fragile life was how short it can be, and how bloody marvellous it really is, even with all the bad stuff we all know about.
I realised how immature I'd been - I'd had the world's longest adolescence - I was still 18 in my head. I'd let a lot of years go by.
I grew up in a short space of time.
I worked hard at being a sober man, and a better one, but a heck of a lot of things came together for me too - I was lucky to find this place, and I was lucky to find a supportive partner who's still with me, for example.
With things like that, and the fact I survived - and with not too many ongoing health problems - I began in believe in something bigger than me. I had no choice really
I dunno if any of that made any sense LOL but I think experience is always the best share.
Thats the Dee version of what the heck happened anyway
You're here, you're asking questions, and you've got an open mind and a willingness to work...if you can keep all that going, I think you'll be ok tmbg.
D