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Does everything else takes a backseat to recovery?

Old 11-11-2010, 09:09 PM
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Does everything else takes a backseat to recovery?

The primary struggle: It seems as if I have to attempt to put my sorry self first in order to deal with why I'm here.

And then, decisions, decisions. You can get into all of the arguments you want about giving it a name, but it all comes down to trying to stop something that doesn't want to be stopped. It's suddenly a "thing" in your life that's making life impossibly complicated and horrible [put your version here].

Interesting to think about the consequences of living with what's happened because you can't deny what is---what's brought you to this place.

Not easy for someone who identifies as a pity-party alcoholic/addict of the 1st degree. You are self-and other-involved and, at the same time, completely cut off from yourself and others. Quite the contradiction. Sure, there are those who have "given up" while there are those who stand on the precipice. The thing is, regardless of where you stand, you eventually start to give up on everything because it makes your head and heart hurt and it's easier to just give in. At this point, everything seems to be such a mess anyway, according to the perception. Correct me if I'm wrong here.

When you get to this place, there's a tendency to feel like a total know-nothing loser and just want to do...on the other hand, a need to keep it together for all parties involved because you don't want to sink lower than you already are because you can. You know you can.

You have a partner, children, family, friends, job, rent, bills, an illness, and who knows how many other responsibilities? And you have you. Something's got to give, right?

It can get complicated.

Ok, maybe the friends part is easier because "they aren't your friends if..."

And, "You may very well lose your job if/because..."

"You may lose your partner if..."

"Children suffer..."

"I suffer..." [or perhaps that should be the first]...and this is why/what happens..."

And so on.

I'm already getting that all of these things are in jeopardy if you continue in going on. I've also seen those who have willingly and unwillingly lost loved ones to "moving on." Maybe some do have to lose everything, and we're all so sad to think about it. But it is not a novel or a self-help book. It's really happening.

Do we have to simply to put ourselves first in recovery and deal with the fall-out later? Is that the hardest step?

Right now, I'm at the point of thinking "it gets better" because the alternative seems much, much worse.
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Old 11-11-2010, 10:01 PM
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I really believe that yes, my sobriety is the fulcrum on which all the other compartments of my life are balancing...lose that balance, and everything is gone.

I had troubles.

I was disabled with all the physical and mental obstancles that brings, I had many financial worries, personal and professional...I had many responsibilities to other people.

I had no respite. No way to ever stop being me. No way to run away for a little while.

No way - except drink and drug.

I went through those points of 'everything is too much and I cannot cope with a drink' and 'everything is that far screwed, a drink is not going to matter'.

I know now both of those statements are untrue. And lemme tell ya neither of them really matter a damn when you're lying on your bathroom floor and you know you're gonna die if you don't get help.

I don't recommend it but nearly dying has a surefire way of making your priorities crystal clear.

I had to look at why I wanted to run away tmbg - why I needed respite - and why, despite the fact that alcohol was spectacularly ineffective in dealing with my problems, and despite the fact it was often catastrophic in results I still returned to it again and again.

I had to work out why I didn't really want to look for other ways to deal with things....and take steps to remedy that.

It wasn't easy but I'm glad every I did it. That thing that doesn't want to be stopped? It got stopped, big time.

Don't follow me down the road as far as I went tmbg...
Don't wait til later to work all this out.

D
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Old 11-11-2010, 10:44 PM
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Absolutely you do have to put everything else on the back burner. Your sobriety must come first before anything else if not and you go out (fall off the water wagon) you'll just **** everything else away anyways. At least with sobriety you have a chance of keeping all those other things.
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Old 11-11-2010, 10:57 PM
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Thanks for posting this. I am really having a tough time seeing the forest for the trees and it's very hard to remind myself that without being sober, there is no hope of having an in tact life. I am finding it easier and easier to place blame on those around me when I know that the truth is, no one has been lying and sneaking booze and making me drink it. I'm responsible for those bad choices. And you're absolutely right -- I don't want to sink any lower than I already am. This is a helpful reminder that you've given me.
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Old 11-11-2010, 11:48 PM
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Originally Posted by stellaloella View Post
- I don't want to sink any lower than I already am.
Yet here we are, obviously pretty low...and asking ourselves, 'can we get lower?' As ridiculous as it sounds, if we could all join hands and feel this perfect feeling and jump on the train, right? Like some school assembly. [I just want to convey the feeling I get from many, including myself at times]

As is, I'm thinking only I can jump on (or off) the train, and then it becomes a leap of faith. No matter how I look at it.

The next thing is to start looking at how I came here; but, as scary as it seems (I'm such a coward), I'm not going to let that stop me. Did I say how scared I am?
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

I don't recommend it but nearly dying has a surefire way of making your priorities crystal clear.


I had to work out why I didn't really want to look for other ways to deal with things....and take steps to remedy that.


D
Thank you for a major reply. I feel humbled (so much so that I didn't even feel confident about how to spell that tense of the word).

Still, as a seeker, I have to ask: was it the near-death experience that caused change/sobriety for you?--so many who post here are at that point or feeling that way. I see them come and go.

Me, I'm going first after many attempts to make-do for everyone else, although it's against my instincts and because it *is* the opposite of what I've been doing (did I say the opposite?)...and what I've been doing is obviously not helping. Kind of like Clint Eastwood, in the best way. I'm not quite sure who told me to do this, but it is a message. [correct me if I'm wrong...I'm sure the karma police will].

I suppose it's a shout-out to many who read here and are frustrated beyond *beyond belief* when they relapse and have nothing to believe in...and are told that they're going to have a "spiritual awakening" and get rather "let down."

Mind you, something's been brewing for me.
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:32 AM
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Yes everything else has to take a back seat to recovery for a while...then when you have finished the work you need to do on yourself you will be a different person and think of yourself a lot less so then it will be everyone elses turn;-)

Your sobriety must always come first but that doesnt mean that a recovered alcoholic is selfish and self centered just sane and mature enough to know without their sobriety they are of no use to man or beast...
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:37 AM
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Tmbg......I really can't say too much more as Dee described exactly what I feel on the subject.

I would not be here sober and happy and probably would be dead if I didn't completely focus on me and my recovery.

I never really get the hesitation to put recovery first. Maybe that is because I had made drinking my number one priority for years and hell I destroyed most things around me and most importantly me and who I was. At the end of my drinking I had no self-esteem, confidence, self-worth and my health was pretty bad off. I was non productive in life and I was extremely negative. I merely existed and quite frankly was just sucking up space. I was no good to myself or anyone around me. Dark days for me.

The years I drank took everything from me but through recovery I have gained so much more. Recovery has been only a blessing for me. I ook at all the great things that have happened in my life because I am sober, ask my spouse, family, etc. Hell, people who know me here see the change based on my posts. I have gotten stronger and that for me is what I needed. I am no longer that weak person anymore.

I guess I stopped thinking and started doing. Recovery must come first. I feel amazing about it....wish I found SR and done it sooner.
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:54 AM
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First of all - It's ok to put yourself first tmbg....

There's the old adage of the mother and babies on the plane...it's going down - and the mother puts the oxygen mask on herself first - because that's the way she knows she can stay alert and focused, do her best for her kids, and maybe get them all out of there.

now I'll see if I can do justice to this question....

Still, as a seeker, I have to ask: was it the near-death experience that caused change/sobriety for you?--so many who post here are at that point or feeling that way. I see them come and go.

I can't speak for anyone else but yeah - that was the moment I fully accepted what I was doing was going to kill me - in fact I thought it had.

Until then I was playing - I was really still looking for my way - a way to drink and not have to change my life.

That night I accepted that I was an alcoholic...and whatever else I did, alcohol was not an option for me - not if I wanted to live.

I was lucky that I got a second chance.

The fear was mindnumbingly real and it stayed for a long time, but it passes - you need something else to keep the commitment long term, I think.

You mentioned spiritual awakening.

I'm not an AAer and I came into this a humanist, but even before I knew what to call it I found the longer I stayed sober my perception of the world, and myself, was changing.

I think a lot of that was me helping other folks here in an attempt to get out of my own head a little.

I really appreciated, for the first time in years how connected I was to everyone and everything.

Without going into hyperbole I realised how fragile life was how short it can be, and how bloody marvellous it really is, even with all the bad stuff we all know about.

I realised how immature I'd been - I'd had the world's longest adolescence - I was still 18 in my head. I'd let a lot of years go by.

I grew up in a short space of time.

I worked hard at being a sober man, and a better one, but a heck of a lot of things came together for me too - I was lucky to find this place, and I was lucky to find a supportive partner who's still with me, for example.

With things like that, and the fact I survived - and with not too many ongoing health problems - I began in believe in something bigger than me. I had no choice really

I dunno if any of that made any sense LOL but I think experience is always the best share.
Thats the Dee version of what the heck happened anyway

You're here, you're asking questions, and you've got an open mind and a willingness to work...if you can keep all that going, I think you'll be ok tmbg.

D
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Old 11-12-2010, 01:47 AM
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now I'll see if I can do justice to this question....




I can't speak for anyone else but yeah - that was the moment I fully accepted what I was doing was going to kill me - in fact I thought it had.

Until then I was playing


Isn't that kind of amazing? How we can "play" at something others take for granted? How immature! It's really difficult, though, to get your mind around being "different" and accept being childish. Like an illness....a child who wants to go out and play regardless. Something that has to be accepted and acknowledged. But it ends up not mattering, right? It is. You can "play" all you want, but *it* exists in your life.


That night I accepted that I was an alcoholic...and whatever else I did, alcohol was not an option for me - not if I wanted to live.

I was lucky that I got a second chance.

The fear was mindnumbingly real and it stayed for a long time, but it passes - you need something else to keep the commitment long term, I think.

You mentioned spiritual awakening.


Yes, that. It's what everyone is looking for in the long run.

I'm not an AAer and I came into this a humanist, but even before I knew what to call it I found the longer I stayed sober my perception of the world, and myself, was changing.

I think a lot of that was me helping other folks here in an attempt to get out of my own head a little.

I really appreciated, for the first time in years how connected I was to everyone and everything.

Without going into hyperbole I realised how fragile life was how short it can be, and how bloody marvellous it really is, even with all the bad stuff we all know about.

I realised how immature I'd been - I'd had the world's longest adolescence - I was still 18 in my head. I'd let a lot of years go by.

I grew up in a short space of time.

I worked hard at being a sober man, and a better one, but a heck of a lot of things came together for me too - I was lucky to find this place, and I was lucky to find a supportive partner who's still with me, for example.

With things like that, and the fact I survived - and with not too many ongoing health problems - I began in believe in something bigger than me. I had no choice really


Growing up. Getting out of our heads. Reflection. Survival. Living. This does speak to all conditions. I have to hear it from someone who has made it through. That's the way it is.

I dunno if any of that made any sense LOL but I think experience is always the best share.
Thats the Dee version of what the heck happened anyway


Thank you, Dee. We all need little help from our friends.
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by yeahgr8 View Post
Yes everything else has to take a back seat to recovery for a while...then when you have finished the work you need to do on yourself you will be a different person and think of yourself a lot less so then it will be everyone elses turn;-)

Your sobriety must always come first but that doesnt mean that a recovered alcoholic is selfish and self centered just sane and mature enough to know without their sobriety they are of no use to man or beast...


That is just how I feel. And now that I'm coming up on a year sober I'm able to not just focus exclusively on my own sobriety (tho that IS my first priority) but on the well being of others, be it friends, family, my dogs. So yes, staying sober is my main focus because without my sobriety I will lose all that is dear to me. I'm not being selfish, just cautious and sensible.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:05 AM
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Recovery is like food, without it your body doesn't work. It isn't selfish to live a mentally, physically, spiritually healthy life. The important thing to remember is that recovery is unique to the individual but however you choose to incorporate it in your life it will take work.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:19 AM
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yes. for me it's that simple. anything i have put before my recovery in the past only became the first things i lost when i inevitably returned to addiction. it has to be foremost in my mind, heart, and actions.

this doesn't mean i don't tend to the other areas of my life, just that recovery must be most important. time management is critical for people like us.
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Old 11-12-2010, 07:15 AM
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Recovery, for me, needs to come before my own personal wants and desires.

I say it that way because I sometimes hear ppl say "Recovery has to be a selfish deal...you have to put yourself first." I understand what this is supposed to mean but it's misleading, I believe. Putting recovery first means I need to do things that benefit my recovery even when I don't feel like it. This might entail, for example: going to that meeting I don't like/feel comfortable in/want to go to, doing some spiritual reading that I find difficult or boring, being of service to people I don't particularly "want" to be of service to, and so on. And make no mistake, doing all that "stuff" doesn't always line up with doing what I "want" to do....but sobriety has to be a priority for me so all the work that enhances my sobriety needs to come first.

.....and sometimes that means I "can't" go to the meeting, I can't sit and chat with this person about "recovery," I can't spend as much time here on SR as I want......sometimes it means I have to go help someone who's not an alcoholic and "in the program" because they're one of God's kids too.....and my sobriety is heavily contingent upon me being of service to my fellows.

**I should note, part of my overall recovery is sobriety (a very big part, for sure) and part of sobriety is not drinking.......but not drinking alcohol is a small part of overall sobriety (albeit a very important part).
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Old 11-12-2010, 07:17 AM
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I can't breathe if I am dead, and drinking will kill me dead, so I put not drinking #1.
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Old 11-12-2010, 08:29 AM
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No doubt when my recovery losses it priority the wheels fall off. Work, relations, family, friends etc, all fall to the wayside when active addiction is reactivated. Yet the level of commitment to my self-care need not turn into self-centeredness. I can still keep my obligations to others, maintain a balanced family life all the wile as I maintain the addiction treatments that keep me living a drug free life.

I can see that if maintaining sobriety means excluding everything else in life, one might as well practice recovery in a mountain top cave as one has most likely aealienated everyone and everything from their life.
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Old 11-12-2010, 08:57 AM
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Wow, what an awesome, mind opening topic. I say recovery comes first, you take care of getting yourself back into life before alcohol, the rest falls into place. Lots of great comments here.

OK, for me, I wasn't a binge drinker, I drank to maintain. But your body, mine included, can't maintain a bottle of booze every day. Kidneys and liver shut down. Spent 5 weeks on a kidney machine every other day. God gave me a gift, kidneys started working again. Went home, got back on my feet and a new job, but after 3 years, it grabbed me again. "It's OK, I can just have one" Nope, unless that meant one bottle. Now I'm back to 72 days. It's not easy, but it's well worth it.
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Old 11-12-2010, 10:00 AM
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I've been thinking about this since my first post and while I stand by my sentiment I really think that it's more nuanced for me. Its not so much that my recovery is front and center for me, it's not so much something that I do, it's who and what I am. It permeates all facets of my being, often without effort or decision, and for that I'm very grateful.
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Old 11-12-2010, 10:13 AM
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I can look at this on many levels... some simple, black and white and easy to discuss... like don't hang out in bars, make or keep friends that are not a risk to my sobriety and lose the ones who are, go to meetings... simple, maybe not easy sometimes...

But there is a spiritual/emotional/consciousness sobriety that is, I think, what my friend August is getting at... nuanced yet pervasive... yea, that's good ...

Spiritual principles, becoming less self centered, putting others needs before my own... trying to see the other person's perspective... smiling when I don't feel like it... ongoing inventory taking... looking for God in everyone... Taking the backseat myself....
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Old 11-12-2010, 01:28 PM
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I was told in treatment that I had to make sobriety my first priority, above any other person or thing in my life. At the time, I thought that was simplistic - surely occassionally other things might have to take my full attention: relationships, job, other health issues that might arise, etc. I am coming up on a year now, and I would describe it this way: everything in my life comes from a perspective of sobriety. Any thing that is incompatible with my sobriety is incompatible with my life. And much to my suprise - I LOVE my life now. It's not a sacrifice, it's a gift.
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