tmbg

The primary struggle: It seems as if I have to attempt to put my sorry self first in order to deal with why I'm here.

And then, decisions, decisions. You can get into all of the arguments you want about giving it a name, but it all comes down to trying to stop something that doesn't want to be stopped. It's suddenly a "thing" in your life that's making life impossibly complicated and horrible [put your version here].

Interesting to think about the consequences of living with what's happened because you can't deny what is---what's brought you to this place.

Not easy for someone who identifies as a pity-party alcoholic/addict of the 1st degree. You are self-and other-involved and, at the same time, completely cut off from yourself and others. Quite the contradiction. Sure, there are those who have "given up" while there are those who stand on the precipice. The thing is, regardless of where you stand, you eventually start to give up on everything because it makes your head and heart hurt and it's easier to just give in. At this point, everything seems to be such a mess anyway, according to the perception. Correct me if I'm wrong here.

When you get to this place, there's a tendency to feel like a total know-nothing loser and just want to do...on the other hand, a need to keep it together for all parties involved because you don't want to sink lower than you already are because you can. You know you can.

You have a partner, children, family, friends, job, rent, bills, an illness, and who knows how many other responsibilities? And you have you. Something's got to give, right?

It can get complicated.

Ok, maybe the friends part is easier because "they aren't your friends if..."

And, "You may very well lose your job if/because..."

"You may lose your partner if..."

"Children suffer..."

"I suffer..." [or perhaps that should be the first]...and this is why/what happens..."

And so on.

I'm already getting that all of these things are in jeopardy if you continue in going on. I've also seen those who have willingly and unwillingly lost loved ones to "moving on." Maybe some do have to lose everything, and we're all so sad to think about it. But it is not a novel or a self-help book. It's really happening.

Do we have to simply to put ourselves first in recovery and deal with the fall-out later? Is that the hardest step?

Right now, I'm at the point of thinking "it gets better" because the alternative seems much, much worse.