Stacey and Christina no more.....
That's the topic of today. I went over there today because she was supposed to go with me out to Bay City to visit those guys from high school right? I wasn't going to but, I was like...well...the arrangment was already made and I was going to tell her I couldn't do oxy's anymore or anything like that.
Well, I get over there and she asks me to drive her to a phone. I bring here over here to my house and she calls her ex. to ask why he hasn't brought the laundry yet. They get into the inevidable fight that you could see coming a mile away. When she hangs up the phone she comes back and tells me she can't go. I'm like..uhh, why not? 'Because if i go with you he won't give me my laundry back' she says. This is about where I start getting pissed. I mean, to be manipulated and controlled when you're not even dating?? How could she be such a pushover? Well, I just kinda went...he can't do that. She's all giving me this...I'm the victim bit, there's nothing i can do..the kids are at home sweating in pants because he has their laundry. blahblah....Well, I just kinda blew it off even though I was pretty pissed.
We start heading back toward her house and Christina's foster sister was in the car. She sees these guys at the playground at the middle school and asks if I'll stop. I pull over and she runs over to them. When she comes back she's all giddy and excited. Mind you, this girl is 17 yrs old. She tells me we're to be at their house in 20 minutes to smoke a blunt with them. I take us back to Christina's house and don't really say a word. She said they were only doing it to get down her pants but aww well, she was just going to use them for their pot. Then she goes on to say there is one in particular that reached up her shirt while they were out there. I couldn't help it...I made a comment that she was basically whoring herself out for pot! Well, we get up to Christinas and sit there for a few minutes. Christina's 13 yr old sister is back at the apt. watching Christina's 3 kids.
20 minutes go by and the 17 yr old jumps up and is like...okok! Let's go! I just couldn't take it anymore and just told them I was coming home. Christina asked me why and my mind had about a million of them but I said....I sent out resume's this week, I'm trying to get a job, I don't want to be involved with that. Besides, we're using those guys. I don't want to feel as though I 'owe' these guys something for smoking their pot ya know? I didn't like the feel of the situation and it was right then I realized that no matter how hard I try to just 'hang out' with Christina...it's all about the next high for her.
So...I came home and called Dave and told him. I mean, we weren't fighting when we left but I think it's the closest to a fight we've ever come. Everything was implied without being said. Christina knew why I was leaving and she knew I wans't happy. I mean, she's known me since I was 11, I don't have to tell her I was unhappy she was being a pushover to Deshane, i'm sure it was on my face.
Well, then I got to thinking about the guys in Bay City and realized, ya know what? They just want to hit on me, they just want to flirt with me and at that point, I think just the implication that I was supposed to go with these guys and be used to smoke pot was far enough of a objectified feeling for me. I called the guys and told them I wans't in the mood cause I was fighting with my best friend.
So...i called Dave back, told him I was doing a lot of thinking about what Jeff said last night, about his best friend living around the corner and he can't talk to him.
Damnit...I just started crying. Another friend lost. Another person gone from my life. It's not going to be easy to not be friends with Christina but she's made it more than clear where the priority lies in her life. I have to stick to mine and stick to the meetings and sober people. I really want to go to the meeting tonight too. And ya know, I knew Christina was like that, I knew she was out there somewhere still using but, I don't know...when she broke up with Deshane I had a fleeting hope that she would straighten up, that she would want to be a good mother. There was something inside me that really hoped I could keep a friend through all this. Today was compleate evidence that that's certainly not the case. She let her ex. tell her what to do and then left her 3 kids with a 13 yr old to go get high. What kind of a mother is she? She doesn't deserve to have those kids. She ignores them and doesn't seem to care anything about anything they do. Everytime I think of her as a mother it's almost funny because even though her 3 kids are right in front of me, I wouldn't think she was the mother.
I was just disgusted with the entire situation and it was right then I realized, like Neil...I just have to let her go if I plan to keep myself clean.
God, this sobriety thing is really hard.
Stacey