Yes, I definatly HAVE to redefine my "mom" relationship with her. She has so many other people in her life that enable her. I thought i had come such a long way in the enabling department. And, really, I have. Just not far enough. Read thru so many post tonight, and realized even though, i don't do the enabling in many of the ways i did before...I still do it. I still let her make me feel like crap. I still tolerate the bad language, and let her make me feel guilty. I still run to her side when she needs me. Even though months will go by, and i may hear from her only once or twice. And yep, its when she needs me. I think the thing that pushes me back to that place, is, every time she gets clean, even if it is only for a short period of time, she always says to me "thank you mom for always being there and not turning your back on me". So, that is my fear, she will think I gave up on her.
When she was little (before drugs) and got angry with me because she didn't like what i had to say, i would tell her...that I was here to be her mother, not her friend. She had friends, and just one mom. Her friends would tell her what she wanted to hear. Mom would tell her what she needed to hear, good or bad. Some how addiction took that away from me. I need to figure out how to get it back.
I need to figure out how quit letting her beat me with her addiction like it's a baseball bat!!! that crap hurts! and i'm tired of being beaten by it.