i broke my own boundary...

Old 11-08-2010, 03:39 PM
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i broke my own boundary...

I took AD's call today from jail. I said i wasn't going to do that for at least a week. It has not been a week. I shouldn't of done that.
She went to court this morning, and i didn't find out until to late she was even going. I just happened to look her up in public records to see when her next court date was, and it was today. She has been charged with another probation violation since she has been locked up. I think it is from the last charges. Not entirely sure yet.
I got there to late. Her case had already been seen. She has court again tomorrow morning. I am debating if I am going or not. I was off work today, I am not tomorrow. I have lost soooo much time from work because of stuff like this with her.
The phone call was mostly like the rest. It's my fault she is in there, and why didn't i just put her in a treatment program....You would think with all the years i have under my belt with dealing with her addiction, I would know better than to let her get to me and upset me. I have met other addicts, ones who hid it...for a while. Friends, men i have dated when i was single...those people...I didn't have a problem letting go. This addict is my kid.
She says she isn't going to treatment, and is just going to pull her time, has this big ole plan of things she can do while she is in there to get time reduced. As it stands if she does that, it would be 9 months. Her "plan" boils it down to 3 months. I don't even know if that is an option. She is getting all this "advice" from people she in jail with.
I told her lawyer today, that no matter what. When she comes out, she can no longer live in my home. I hope and pray, that whatever time she serves, where ever it is, that it will keep her away from drugs long enough for her to see with some clarity where her life is headed. But for right now, i can still hear it in her voice, she isn't ready. If she got out today, she would use tonight. She is spewing the same lies i have heard for years. At least I have finally gotten to a place that i don't believe them anymore.
I spent the weekend volunteering at a charity event for ovarian cancer awareness. You would of thought that would make me feel better. HA!! Maybe, if every other person that walked by didn't know who i was, and that she was in jail again....most of them sympathetic, and honestly so, but some just wanted to know how "bad" is she.."cause she looked really bad in her mugshot...worse than the last ones". Gotta love that website.
I'm feeling sad today, the holidays are coming, and this will be one more year she won't be with me. Most of the time it was because she was high, or sick because she couldn't get high. Last year she was in a half-way house and didn't have overnight previledges yet, so i spent xmas eve alone. Which is our night. We cook and bake, and she gets to open one gift from under the tree. This will be the first year it is because she is in jail.
I'm having a one of those "feeling sorry for myself" days I guess. And, i did try to find a meeting to go to tonight. (honestly ) Looked all over the internet for one locally. The only one I could find was for tomorrow night. And of course I have to work. Im sure there must be more, thought i would call the local treatment center tomorrow and see if they have a brochure. But looking was a big step for me. I haven't ever done that. I think it may be time to start doing me, and let her do her. For both of our sakes. I have fooled myself for years, thinking I could handle this, and do it alone. That I was a strong woman, and didn't need help from strangers. Funny how, as time has passed, "normal" people, with "normal" kids, are strangers to me. I no longer relate to people that have children the age of my daughter. Even with the parent's of girls she grew up with. When they look at me, I can see it on their face, they don't understand, and they certainly have no idea what to say. So, i will try again tomorrow, to find out where the heck "my kind" are!! I know they have to be here somewhere!!
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Old 11-08-2010, 03:45 PM
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The phone call was mostly like the rest. It's my fault she is in there, and why didn't i just put her in a treatment program.

That would answer any questions I had about going. I wouldn't.
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:01 PM
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Start taking care of youself and that would include not missing any more work. The consequences of her addiction do not constitute an emergency on your part. She needs to deal with it. Definately go to the next meeting you can. I know I couldn't do it alone. I had the same feelings about the people she grew up with..I couldn't handle being around their "normal" kids. You can move past those kinds of things when you find some peace and recovery for yourself.They say to work the program you wish they would.Good advice.
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:18 PM
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Sorry my thread is such a hard read. It was spaced in paragraphs when i wrote it...it didn't transfer the same when i posted it somehow.

I guess I feel like if i don't go, that something will happen, and she will think i wasn't there for her and turned my back on her. I don't know yet, how to get passed that feeling. Or if I can. She is my only child, she is "what i do" ...since the day she was born, I quit being me, and became "her mom". And that has defined me ever since.
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:20 PM
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The Salvation Army Rehabs are free and available to her if she chose to go. She didn't.

None of this is your fault, she made some bad choices and has to live with the consequence. Maybe, just maybe, this will be the time she needs to think about her future...yes, it's in jail but she will have time and a clearer mind to figure out what better choices might be.

Don't beat yourself up for taking that phone call, I probably would have taken it too.

Finding meetings for yourself just may be the best gift you ever gave yourself and help you keep your balance through all this.

Hugs
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:25 PM
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We ALL feel like if we don't take that call, don't go to the hearing,don't pay that bill, WE will regret it. What I regret is not showing my daughter what a person will and will not tolerate. Her yelling and blaming you..why would you take another day off work, schlep down to the courthouse to "support" her? The messages we send by what we WON'T do are really powerful.I've done it..let my daughter flounder..and every time..she has learned something.If not about herself, then about ME and where my boundaries are. It's really hard, but when you get in the program you will see how alot of the helping isn't helpful.
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Old 11-08-2010, 06:54 PM
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TG
I'm so glad that you are realizing that you can't do this alone. It's so much for a mother's heart to carry. It's very difficult to let them find their own way when they seem so very lost. Or at least.....that's what they want us to believe I guess.

This is a great time for you to start thinking about yourself and putting "you" first. It's unimaginable at first....like you said......being a mother is what we DO. But when you get a taste of just taking care of you.....it feels very very good.

gentle hugs from another mother who understands

PS - Everyone here are "your kind". We understand. We care and we will help you through the rough times.
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:08 PM
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I'm new here, and going through the same thing, only with a son. Just want to send you hugs. Mom's don't deserve this, it's so hard to seperate heart and head. (Dad's don't deserve it either!) I don't have advise, just want you to know you're not alone. Hugs.
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:36 PM
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i understand that being her mother is what you do - and have always done - it is the same with my sons - all three of them - unfortunately my youngest chose to travel a road that does not benefit from me continuing to just be "mom" - i am having to learn to think so differently in terms of what helps him - prayers for you and your daughter
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Old 11-08-2010, 08:23 PM
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Yes, I definatly HAVE to redefine my "mom" relationship with her. She has so many other people in her life that enable her. I thought i had come such a long way in the enabling department. And, really, I have. Just not far enough. Read thru so many post tonight, and realized even though, i don't do the enabling in many of the ways i did before...I still do it. I still let her make me feel like crap. I still tolerate the bad language, and let her make me feel guilty. I still run to her side when she needs me. Even though months will go by, and i may hear from her only once or twice. And yep, its when she needs me. I think the thing that pushes me back to that place, is, every time she gets clean, even if it is only for a short period of time, she always says to me "thank you mom for always being there and not turning your back on me". So, that is my fear, she will think I gave up on her.
When she was little (before drugs) and got angry with me because she didn't like what i had to say, i would tell her...that I was here to be her mother, not her friend. She had friends, and just one mom. Her friends would tell her what she wanted to hear. Mom would tell her what she needed to hear, good or bad. Some how addiction took that away from me. I need to figure out how to get it back.

I need to figure out how quit letting her beat me with her addiction like it's a baseball bat!!! that crap hurts! and i'm tired of being beaten by it.
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Old 11-08-2010, 08:54 PM
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Welcome back ((((((((((((((tangerinegirl))))))))))))) from another mom.

No doubt about it, being the parent of an addict is beyond what we think we can handle.
But somehow we do handle it the best way we can.
The tricky part is figuring out how to stay true to our own purpose
without the intensity + sorrow destroying our zest for life.
We learn to Let Go when we need to and stay close when necessary.
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Old 11-09-2010, 07:34 AM
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I t does feel like being beat with a baseball bat sometimes TG. A couple of quotes that have helped me

You teach people how to treat you
Let go or be dragged
I will do anything to help you, but not one more thing to allow you to live this life one more day
I'm not gonna love her into the grave

Just some food for thought!
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Old 11-09-2010, 08:04 AM
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Another quote for you:

I love you enough to let you hate me.
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:08 AM
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One thing that I have to remember every time I start feeling guilty is that I love my daughter more than she loves me.

Not to say she doesn't love me...it's just the dynamics of a parent/child relationship. They KNOW we care and love them with every fiber in our being - and they tend to exploit that - because they can. Making us feel guilty is easy. Counting on us to come running and save the world - almost guaranteed.

Think back to your own parents. Yes, we love them...but our universe does not revolve around them and our heart doesn't break with every wrong choice they make. Concerned and worried? Yes. Absolutely heartbroken? Probably not. Our world wouldn't come to an end because they denied us something we want. We still love them... life goes on.

In other words: Our saying no is inconvenient and unwelcome, but very rarely will it ruin their life or destroy their affection for us. Saying no hurts our hearts more than theirs.

I never want my daughter to feel abandoned, either...and I still answer her calls, even though I cringe and wonder "what now?". It's VERY hard, but I'm trying to learn to be an ear and listen, not a rescuer, unless her life were in danger at that very moment. (And I think we can all tell when there is a genuine crisis and not just another darn-I-am-in-jail-again.)

It's hard to say no, and to think they might not like it or might feel disappointed, but they will not hate us for setting boundaries. When they were babies/toddlers/teenagers they accepted those boundaries and griped or threw fits, but accepted them, still.

As adults it's the Same game-Different Playground.
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:30 AM
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Here's another quote for you, Tan..

"He/She has a higher power, and it's not you." That one has helped me alot.

I agree with Ann... don't beat yourself up about the phone call. I have done the same many a time...

I have had to go "no contact" with my AS for a while, or as I call it "taking a little break from his addiction." He left me a voice mail last week, and I listened to it after thinking that he might be asking for a ride to detox, etc. All he said was, "Well, so... you're STILL not talking to me?" I just deleted it knowing that he is not ready.

Everyone has to find their own path... even us. My prayers are with you.

Here's a good link that is a sticky at the top of this forum. Sometimes, when I feel lost, I re-read it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2681899

with love,
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