Opinions appreciated!
Hi everyone and thankyou for being here on this "lifeline forum"
Here is a brief history as sick of being on this rollercoast drinking ride.
Both parents were alcoholics and grew up with disgust and fear of the booze. Not till my mid 20's did I descend into blackout binge drinking. Then married a "controller" and managed to stay off it during pregnancies,knew i had responsibilities as very much alone with 4 kids until divorce 12 years ago where descended back to drinking approx 1 litre at times daily, and passing out..2 of my kids chose to stay with my ex due to my crazy drinking behaviour. Fast forward managed to stay sober 4 years with attending AA weekly..then picked up drink again with stress at work and descended to drinking approx 1 bottle 2nd nightly quickly in my room with door locked. Sometimes would overdo it with up to 2 bottles even nearly whole bottle of whisky twice to myself when with alc ex boyfriend .
Consequences...crippling depression/anxiety,raised liver enzymes-fatty liver, general craziness. My friends ask me how could only binge drinking on average 1 bottle of wine make me an alcoholic??..as others drink much more and I have always had a low tolerance (mercifully). Managed to stay sober for 109 days after vegas trip as liver enzymes up in 200's after only averaging 3 drinks nightly o/s. Picked up drink again and now feeling disgusting again as promised myself i would never drink whole bottle again but just cant control it. Scared to go back to AA as not hard core.. quiet gentle person dont feel i fit in... I think the DENIAL in this disease is PROGRESSING as although dont drink as much as used to, feel much worse and panic stricken about my heath..still have that little voice whispering ..not as bad as the others .. as I have managed to train myself to control when out. have discovered though that this is VERY DANGEROUS as it activates the sleeping serpent and it is only a matter of a few days, till back to loss of control again. I am going to an alcohol counsellor and she is lovely but not one herself ..in fact they subscibe to theory CBT works for nearly everything and that mindfullness (etc) helps for alcohol problems..and the word acoholic is no longer used as too much of a grey area!..a bit dangerous I think for some of us who like me who desperately wants to be able to finally be able to drink normally after nearly 25 years of trying!!! I am I just one of those people who just dont get it????