Opinions appreciated!
seeking recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
Opinions appreciated!
Hi everyone and thankyou for being here on this "lifeline forum"
Here is a brief history as sick of being on this rollercoast drinking ride.
Both parents were alcoholics and grew up with disgust and fear of the booze. Not till my mid 20's did I descend into blackout binge drinking. Then married a "controller" and managed to stay off it during pregnancies,knew i had responsibilities as very much alone with 4 kids until divorce 12 years ago where descended back to drinking approx 1 litre at times daily, and passing out..2 of my kids chose to stay with my ex due to my crazy drinking behaviour. Fast forward managed to stay sober 4 years with attending AA weekly..then picked up drink again with stress at work and descended to drinking approx 1 bottle 2nd nightly quickly in my room with door locked. Sometimes would overdo it with up to 2 bottles even nearly whole bottle of whisky twice to myself when with alc ex boyfriend .
Consequences...crippling depression/anxiety,raised liver enzymes-fatty liver, general craziness. My friends ask me how could only binge drinking on average 1 bottle of wine make me an alcoholic??..as others drink much more and I have always had a low tolerance (mercifully). Managed to stay sober for 109 days after vegas trip as liver enzymes up in 200's after only averaging 3 drinks nightly o/s. Picked up drink again and now feeling disgusting again as promised myself i would never drink whole bottle again but just cant control it. Scared to go back to AA as not hard core.. quiet gentle person dont feel i fit in... I think the DENIAL in this disease is PROGRESSING as although dont drink as much as used to, feel much worse and panic stricken about my heath..still have that little voice whispering ..not as bad as the others .. as I have managed to train myself to control when out. have discovered though that this is VERY DANGEROUS as it activates the sleeping serpent and it is only a matter of a few days, till back to loss of control again. I am going to an alcohol counsellor and she is lovely but not one herself ..in fact they subscibe to theory CBT works for nearly everything and that mindfullness (etc) helps for alcohol problems..and the word acoholic is no longer used as too much of a grey area!..a bit dangerous I think for some of us who like me who desperately wants to be able to finally be able to drink normally after nearly 25 years of trying!!! I am I just one of those people who just dont get it????
Here is a brief history as sick of being on this rollercoast drinking ride.
Both parents were alcoholics and grew up with disgust and fear of the booze. Not till my mid 20's did I descend into blackout binge drinking. Then married a "controller" and managed to stay off it during pregnancies,knew i had responsibilities as very much alone with 4 kids until divorce 12 years ago where descended back to drinking approx 1 litre at times daily, and passing out..2 of my kids chose to stay with my ex due to my crazy drinking behaviour. Fast forward managed to stay sober 4 years with attending AA weekly..then picked up drink again with stress at work and descended to drinking approx 1 bottle 2nd nightly quickly in my room with door locked. Sometimes would overdo it with up to 2 bottles even nearly whole bottle of whisky twice to myself when with alc ex boyfriend .
Consequences...crippling depression/anxiety,raised liver enzymes-fatty liver, general craziness. My friends ask me how could only binge drinking on average 1 bottle of wine make me an alcoholic??..as others drink much more and I have always had a low tolerance (mercifully). Managed to stay sober for 109 days after vegas trip as liver enzymes up in 200's after only averaging 3 drinks nightly o/s. Picked up drink again and now feeling disgusting again as promised myself i would never drink whole bottle again but just cant control it. Scared to go back to AA as not hard core.. quiet gentle person dont feel i fit in... I think the DENIAL in this disease is PROGRESSING as although dont drink as much as used to, feel much worse and panic stricken about my heath..still have that little voice whispering ..not as bad as the others .. as I have managed to train myself to control when out. have discovered though that this is VERY DANGEROUS as it activates the sleeping serpent and it is only a matter of a few days, till back to loss of control again. I am going to an alcohol counsellor and she is lovely but not one herself ..in fact they subscibe to theory CBT works for nearly everything and that mindfullness (etc) helps for alcohol problems..and the word acoholic is no longer used as too much of a grey area!..a bit dangerous I think for some of us who like me who desperately wants to be able to finally be able to drink normally after nearly 25 years of trying!!! I am I just one of those people who just dont get it????
Kristin
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 77
i have relapsed a few times everytime i just knew i can do this i can control it i will just have a few here and there....naw that wasn't even close to what happened.
I know now that i can't drink at all....and never will be able to like normal people.
I hate that disgusted feeling too.........i am 66 days sober today and i don't have the shakes anymore,,,,i don't have the cravings...that's just me tho. I really think it is because i am doing everything i didn't do before my relapses. I am praying, i am making friends that have sobriety as a goal, I am meditating, constantly examining myself, working the steps with sponsor
the first step is the problem the rest of the steps are the solution.
hope to hear bk from you babe
I know now that i can't drink at all....and never will be able to like normal people.
I hate that disgusted feeling too.........i am 66 days sober today and i don't have the shakes anymore,,,,i don't have the cravings...that's just me tho. I really think it is because i am doing everything i didn't do before my relapses. I am praying, i am making friends that have sobriety as a goal, I am meditating, constantly examining myself, working the steps with sponsor
the first step is the problem the rest of the steps are the solution.
hope to hear bk from you babe
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
In my opinion there is hope for you and you will get "it".
Here's something that helps me...instead of wishing I could drink like a normal person I am glad I don't drink at all. Alcohol is poison whether you are an alcoholic or not. Don't believe me? Its true...straight alcohol is lethal and tastes bad...we can only drink it if we mask the taste. Nonalcoholics drive drunk all the time and kill people...its poison and there is no reason to put it on a pedestal.
Here's something that helps me...instead of wishing I could drink like a normal person I am glad I don't drink at all. Alcohol is poison whether you are an alcoholic or not. Don't believe me? Its true...straight alcohol is lethal and tastes bad...we can only drink it if we mask the taste. Nonalcoholics drive drunk all the time and kill people...its poison and there is no reason to put it on a pedestal.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Some people in recovery perhaps need that 'hard core' approach, it never worked for me however. I don't know if there's been an AA experience that has scared you. I found that the atmosphere of meetings could vary quite a lot from one place to another. Some women are more comfortable at women only meetings, maybe you could check if any are available in your area. I didn't like feeling 'pressured' at meetings, as some people with good intentions and enthusiasm could be prone to do at times. Best thing as I was told is perhaps to be firm that for the moment, thanks but you would just like to sit in and listen - which is quite okay according to the protocol.
My own counselor seemed to subscribe mainly to the CBT approach of treatment, he also seemed averse to the term of 'alcoholic', but he also had a respect for the 12 step program and didn't negate spiritual recovery methods (the spiritual side of recovery to me was also very important). He was very helpful to me. I found that I was able to use the methods in a way that complemented rather than cancelled each other.
Maybe you are needing to discuss your goals with your counselor, as regards to personally and in your recovery. If it is complete abstinence, you can then begin to work together on developing some strategies to achieve that.
Of course there are many methods out there nowadays - if AA is not for you, there are other options out there. The thing is to choose a method and really work it, with priority and commitment to stick it out. That applies to all and the reality is there is not likely any easy and quick method to recovery that is worth its salt.
My own counselor seemed to subscribe mainly to the CBT approach of treatment, he also seemed averse to the term of 'alcoholic', but he also had a respect for the 12 step program and didn't negate spiritual recovery methods (the spiritual side of recovery to me was also very important). He was very helpful to me. I found that I was able to use the methods in a way that complemented rather than cancelled each other.
Maybe you are needing to discuss your goals with your counselor, as regards to personally and in your recovery. If it is complete abstinence, you can then begin to work together on developing some strategies to achieve that.
Of course there are many methods out there nowadays - if AA is not for you, there are other options out there. The thing is to choose a method and really work it, with priority and commitment to stick it out. That applies to all and the reality is there is not likely any easy and quick method to recovery that is worth its salt.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi J
I'm not sure what your asking either - but I know I've never met anyone who was a hopeless alcoholic.
It took me 15 years to get it, but for most of that time I wanted to be a normal drinker.
Sounds like you might have the same problem?
I went through periods of 'control' too...they were mostly good luck, not good management.
I ended up drinking less too - but that was fear and sickness in equal measure, not that I was getting 'better' in any way
I have to say - until I accepted that I would never be a normal drinker, and until I accepted that alcohol had no place in my life, I kept returning to the bottle. It was like a bad lover for me.
The good news is we can stop all the madness whenever we like. Don't wait until catastrophe strikes like I did.
You've managed over 100 days so you must want to be sober on some level and you've proven you can do it....if the AA meetings you've been too are too hardcore for you (not sure what you mean there but I'm not AA) have you tried others, or other programmes?
If you're not sure your counsellor is the right fit for you, maybe it's in your best interests
to find another?
Don't give up - you're a long way from where you were - you shouldn't forget that
D
I'm not sure what your asking either - but I know I've never met anyone who was a hopeless alcoholic.
It took me 15 years to get it, but for most of that time I wanted to be a normal drinker.
Sounds like you might have the same problem?
I went through periods of 'control' too...they were mostly good luck, not good management.
I ended up drinking less too - but that was fear and sickness in equal measure, not that I was getting 'better' in any way
I have to say - until I accepted that I would never be a normal drinker, and until I accepted that alcohol had no place in my life, I kept returning to the bottle. It was like a bad lover for me.
The good news is we can stop all the madness whenever we like. Don't wait until catastrophe strikes like I did.
You've managed over 100 days so you must want to be sober on some level and you've proven you can do it....if the AA meetings you've been too are too hardcore for you (not sure what you mean there but I'm not AA) have you tried others, or other programmes?
If you're not sure your counsellor is the right fit for you, maybe it's in your best interests
to find another?
Don't give up - you're a long way from where you were - you shouldn't forget that
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,755
It sounds like alcohol has put you in a Very Bad Place.
Do something different this time if you really want to stay sober. And find another counselor if you can. Sounds like yours doesn't really understand alcoholism. And you know alcoholism is progressive. It will always get worse. Don't wait til it gets worse. Stop now.
Do something different this time if you really want to stay sober. And find another counselor if you can. Sounds like yours doesn't really understand alcoholism. And you know alcoholism is progressive. It will always get worse. Don't wait til it gets worse. Stop now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
I have been worried about "not being as bad" as people at meetings...But I've sat through several and honestly...I have the same thoughts/feelings as people who went further than me. The only difference between me and someone who drank a lot more or used more serious drugs is I'm not as far into the disease. You said it yourself, it's progressive. Don't wait for a rock bottom to justify getting help. You're unhappy with how things are - let that be your rock bottom.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Good to meet you, FR - I like CBT for making changes to our thinking, but I doubt it would have done much to get me sober. Coming here every day and conversing with other alcoholics is what works for me.
I just knew I'd have to quit drinking sooner or later (sooner, if I wanted to stay reasonably healthy), so I figured I might as well get it over with.
The longer I don't drink, the more comfortable I am with my sobriety. There are still days when I just have to endure it and get through it, but it's so much better than living with that horrid monkey on my back (and oh, I know what you mean when you talk about the anxiety/depression).
I'm not different than any other addict, and I'm guessing you aren't either. We're not the one alcoholic in the world who just can't get it. Yeah, we can't do this alone, but we can do it.
I just knew I'd have to quit drinking sooner or later (sooner, if I wanted to stay reasonably healthy), so I figured I might as well get it over with.
The longer I don't drink, the more comfortable I am with my sobriety. There are still days when I just have to endure it and get through it, but it's so much better than living with that horrid monkey on my back (and oh, I know what you mean when you talk about the anxiety/depression).
I'm not different than any other addict, and I'm guessing you aren't either. We're not the one alcoholic in the world who just can't get it. Yeah, we can't do this alone, but we can do it.
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