Did I cause my own alcoholism?
I'm not even sure if there's ever a way to answer the question, but I really do wonder... did I cause my own alcoholism?
In my mid-teens, I was on a mission to get as messed up as possible as often as possible. And I certainly did exactly that. Once I was old enough to buy beer, I kept up that mentality. I knew that I loved the "altered" feeling and since I could get it from the store any time it seemed like paradise.
I continued with this idea of "I LOVE getting ****-ed up all the time!" throughout my twenties and into early thirties. That's when I first tried to stop and found I couldn't do it. That's when I first noticed the "other person" inside of me that I've written about in some other posts.
I clearly have a problem. I'm taking it day by day and I made it through this weekend sober so I'm really proud of that.
But back to my original question, did I do this to myself? Did I get trashed so often and so deeply for so long that it flipped some kind of switch in my brain?
Or was I doomed to this right from the first drink going back to my teen years?
I don't know if anyone has an answer to this, but I do wonder about it rather often... especially when I want beer so bad I can taste it.
LT