Hello,
Well, I've scraped myself off the floor. It's taken me a couple of days but, I feel revived abit. I went to the meeting tonight and after much deliberation I decided to tell Jeff the truth. I told him he could take his wrench back from my car and he told me to take it. I kinda laughed and said I didn't deserve to have it. He asked why and I started stampering. It's funny cause I DON'T stamper. I'm never without words. He asked if I'd relapsed and I said...no, yes..uh..no...uhh.... lol. But, I ended up just laying the truth on him. He walked me out to my car and we talked. He told me to stay away from Christina. I told him I know I know....He said he has an old best friend that lives around the corner from him that he doesn't speak to anymore. That actually meant a lot to me. I mean, it was like he said...I understand how hard it is. He told me not to get messed up in the drug scene. Yelled at me for being around the beer tent...blahblah. I said I know...a lot. But, mostly, I apoligized. I seem to spend a lot of time apoligizing to him actually. He was very sweet. He said he'd check the junk yard for me for a spare window turner thingy and he'd pick it up and I could just pay him back. I also confronted him about asking him for coffee. He apoligized and said he had a million things on his mind that night and just really didn't hear me. I told him I cried and called him a bastard. hehe....He gave me like 3 hugs. I told him I wasn't 13th stepping, I didn't mean to give the wrong impression. So...yeah, he was just really cool about it. I felt like 1000 times better after talking to him. I still wish I had more time to really talk sometimes though ya know? I always feel like I'm working my way through an agenda and that I never just relax and talk about nothing, it's always something. I need to learn to just relax and get rid of Christina! She totally expects me to be her little druggy friend now and I really can't do that. It's so tempting because the high was really good, I won't lie. I've thought a lot about it since then and I also read it's highly addicting, I totally believe that! I've never really done anything that's physically addicting like that. I mean, there's drinking but that's really psychological also. There's pot...but that's like all psychological and I've always been able to give or take with that. There's smoking ciggerettes but...I've smoked or not smoked and never understood that 'addiction' part of it, I've never actually felt it. Maybe that's why I got cocky with the oxy. Thinking that I won't get addicted. Well, I've thought an awful lot about doing it and have found myself resisting. I don't know if that's just psychological or what but...it's kinda wierd.
So....today Dave, Eric (his friend) and I went down to Ann Arbor to hit the anime store and to get chinese. Then we went over to Detroit and watched the original uncut version of Godzilla on the big screen. It actually turned out to be pretty cool even if I did fall asleep a couple of times. (oops!)
Anyway, so....I'm supposed to go out to Bay City tomarrow and visit two guys I knew from way back. Sigh....they both know I don't drink so it shouldn't be a problem...the only problem is that Christina is supposed to come with me. I'm not going to drag this out...I'm not going to have some big long drawn out thing about this. I can't be her friend, no matter how much it sucks, I cannot be hanging out with her. Or at very least I need to tell her I can't be doing oxy with her. Jeff asked me where I got it too...I kinda hesitated but ended up telling him. She's going to kill me when I tell her I told him the truth. She always says I'm way too truthful for my own good. I told Dave too, hell and I told Eric. I just figure, I screwed up...honesty is the best policy. When I walked through the door Friday my intention was to lie. Hell, I was even going to lie on here...I wasn't going to say anything to anyone, real or not. I was just going to keep it a secret and just keep doing it and just see, for once if I was even capable of keeping a secret from the world. Well, you see how well that worked. I just can't do that. I feel best about having told Jeff, he really made me feel a lot better about things. Gave me the ol' yeah...you really screwed up but it's not the end of the world. Ya didn't drink and that's what counts, don't make the drugs a habit and you can get right back on the horse.
So...yeah, now I'm at work. My co-worker's father in law died so I'm here 9:30pm-7:00am....sux. They wanted me in at 8pm. I said...hell no, I'm hitting my meeting because I knew I wouldn't get a chance to talk to Jeff until Friday if I didn't and then I'd probrably have people with me. I feel sooo much better. I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders.
Anyways, I'll probrably write again later....I'm really bored and it's only 11:30pm...sigh, a very long ways to go and I only got like 5 hours of sleep thanks to my damn tooth.
Thanks for listening to my ramble!
Stacey