Thanks for all your replies, you guys and gals are really making me think here, lol.
It's the substitutes that don't taste as good as the real thing that are killing me. It's like settling for imitation ice cream to save a few pennies, without ever discovering what real ice cream tastes like.
Not knowing who I am effects every aspect of my life, because I make decisions based on what I "think" might be the right one, but I don't really know. I even did this with college and went to school for years studying a subject that sounded good, but bored me to tears, lol. It's crazy. I've dated women I was never really interested in just to have someone to date. I've drank and bought drinks for people to fill the gaps in my life, because I have no real friends. I've done jobs I knew I didn't want because they filled a void in my life. I've even bought clothes that were "in style" because I didn't have a style, so I just bought what was "in". Now, at least I know to stick with Levis, lol.
When I'm not hungover and have no reason to hate myself today, it's like ok, who are you.....really? I don't know, so I go with the guy I think I might want to be, but that feels fake. I try to act with integrity, so I can say I have some, but what is integrity? See, I see my life slipping away and want to answer all these questions, but drive myself nuts in the process. This is where I hit those slippery slopes, I want to live with integrity, so I want to know what it is, because for so many years I pretended to have integrity while all along taking advantage of others and justifying my behavior because it's a dog-eat-dog world "out there". So, that's just one area I need to change. The list goes on and on.
So, I'm learning here folks. It sux, but I'm learning. It's like the class I never took, because I was out in the alley smoking weed and skipping class, lol.
Thanks for helping me, I love ya all.