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Unsure about who I am after peeling the onion

Old 11-02-2010, 08:40 PM
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Unsure about who I am after peeling the onion

In many ways, I don't know who I am.

After drinking for almost 30 years, having a sober month here and there, I have lost touch with who I am and I try my damnest to stay that way.

If I'm not drunk, then I'm chasing something, either money, romance, food, exercise because I feel guilty from eating so much, lol, it doesn't matter. Everything is an obsession with me.

I simply cannot recall a day where I was relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.

I think my problems are much more than just a drinking problem, they lie deeper in the layers of my life, and that's where I get lost. I keep thinking that if I could just not drink, life would be rosy, but it seems more confusing to me when I'm sober, so I drink again to return to the known quantity of misery vs the unknown misery of sobriety. When I get lonely, instead of learning how to relax, I find a lady to call, date, see and ultimately get drunk with. It's another form of escape, and all along I think I'm chasing love. Love's not that way, but I don't know love, so all I know is how to pretend to love while drunk. That's sad and so I watch other people who seem to be in love and wonder why I've never experienced that. Maybe I can't and never will.

When I stop drinking, I'm confronted with life and don't know how to do it well. It's a mystery to me; like love, what is that, how do you experience it, and what does it really feel like? Misery is predictable, but sobriety is like a foreign country and I don't speak the language. It's that I don't speak the language of life, I don't know how to have a "home", nor do I know how to be with someone else 100%, and that stuff scares the daylight out of me. What's frustrating is wanting to live a good life, but not knowing how to do that, how to connect with someone and just listen, how to be a real friend, what does that mean?

I feel like I'm writing a journal or something, but I can't talk of these things, for I know no one to talk with about these issues. I think I need a counselor, but I'm too scared of pulling the junk out of the closet and looking at it. But I know that if I don't, it is only a matter of time till I drink again, and you know what, sometimes we don't come back and that's a scary thing too.

Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:02 PM
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I also feel like I've spent my whole life using and stuck in the "obsession"...And it is incredibly difficult to know what is...healthy. I feel like every move or make or thing I think I ask myself, "is this healthy? is this what healthy people do/think".

I feel like a completely different person right now, and while refreshing at times it's very scary. Therapy and counseling have helped me a lot. It's hard but talking about it does get easier. It brings things up, but letting it out and getting advice from a professional is amazing.
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:02 PM
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It took me a long time to work out who I was Dallas....

like months - of continued sobriety, before the fog really lifted, before I could even look at the things in my past I needed to, and before I could trust myself and my instincts.

You may need help to look at your back catalogue, I dunno - but my advice is don't run ahead. Not drinking is enough of a to do list right now I think.

Sometimes it's enough to simply be where we are & sober - often times I found looking back there was a damn good reason for it.

D
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Old 11-02-2010, 09:08 PM
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I felt the same way nearly ALL of my life. I never knew how important peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose were, until I finally had a "spiritual awakening" the unfolded this simple truth before me. When I am spiritually fit, nothing disturbs me enough to make me want to drink or even make me feel like I am suffering.

True sobriety rides on the coattails of serenity.
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:28 PM
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So after further thought, it seems that if I want a full life, I must give life my full attention.

Running from life doesn't work for me, never really did. In fact, it left me an emotional misfit, and one who has never really experienced life in many years.

So I'll have to start back where I left off, somewhere in high school I guess. Sure, I've went to college, but didn't learn much in terms of how life is, just learned allot of stuff that didn't interest me much at all. I'm probably at the eighth grade level emotionally, if I can be so bold. Thing is, if I have to go back to that level and start growing from there, do I have to deal with the acne stuff too, lol.

Being in someone's arms is not the same as being in their heart, and life is too short not to live it from the heart. I've lived seeing life through the bottom of a bottle for a long time and it distorts my vision.

Thanks for your replies and insights.
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Old 11-02-2010, 11:40 PM
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Hey Dallas! For me counseling is majorly essential. I am working with a life coach, which differs from a therapist in that instead of navel gazing and analyzing the past we work on my current attitude and goals for the future. Yes the past comes up from time to time but its not the focus.

If you think it would help I would suggest researching different types of counseling and interviewing multiple counselors to find the right one.

I've been working on self love for awhile now...I think loving someone else is impossible without self love. I also know for me self loathing contributed to my alcohol abuse and self love contributes to sobriety. If I love myself, I wont harm myself....right?
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:00 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
I'm probably at the eighth grade level emotionally
I know how that feels!
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Old 11-03-2010, 12:07 AM
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Hi LaFemme,

I can relate to the self-loathing, especailly after a binge, but even days after I've drank. It seems somewhat constant, so it bears consideration and discussion.

I hadn't thought about different kinds of counselors, I thought they were all the same. Finding the right one is a great idea, instead of taking the first banana off the tree, lol.

To me, focusing on the past is akin to digging up an old grave, sure it may be my past life, but the bones are bare and the smell is just plain rank, lol.

Thanks for your help, it means much to me.
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Old 11-03-2010, 02:49 AM
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That share was amazing. I recognize some of that.
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Old 11-03-2010, 05:13 AM
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It's a shock to the system isn't it? When we stop drinking, we are confronted with life in all its complexities and shades of gray, when there often aren't simple, immediate solutions with easy, neat formulas.

I know that as a result of my drinking, I had become extremely black and white, all or nothing in my mentality. It's a big adjustment process and doesn't fall into place immediately, you have to give yourself time to catch up on time of missed emotional growth, and sometimes learn a tolerance for the vagaries of everyday living and in relationships. (I know it can be difficult for someone with a damaged background to adjust to - to have that faith in the recovery process.)

If you can look after the day to day issues, the long term will work itself out and we find ourselves managing more effectively. Some of it in my own case is due to my counselor and the clarity I get from my sessions with her - a good counselor will know what you can and can't handle in a session, re your past life. But we don't always discuss that, much of it is monitoring my own levels of stress and managing them etc.

I think I now gauge and measure differently my own levels of 'happiness' and contentment. Life in sobriety isn't perfect, my tolerance for any problems in my life was once very short. But it still has plenty to offer and I think I nowadays relish all my feelings, in all their colors, after simply feeling numb and empty for so long.
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Old 11-03-2010, 05:20 AM
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(((((Dallas)))))

You have just started "PEELING THE ONION." It will take many years. Hell for me, I am still 'peeling' over 29 years later, lol

One of the things that really jumped out at me in early recovery, and sticks with me yet today, from the BB is "alcohol is but a symptom ......".

I was at a meeting, close to my 1st sober year, with my sponsor, and a lady was taking a cake for 20 years. I didn't say a word, but there must have been a look on my face that my sponsor caught, because she looked me dead in the eye and said:

"You will get 20 years, ONE DAY AT A TIME, just like the rest of us." Then she chuckled.

One of the hardest things for me in recovery the first few years was to learn how to LIVE TODAY to the fullest. To stay out of tomorrow.

I know you want to be 'well.' I know you want 'the whole enchilada.' and I know you want it all RIGHT NOW lmao Ain't going to happen my friend. It's 'baby steps.' It's lots and lots of TRUDGIN, especially when the alligators are up to your azz. It's going to meetings when you don't want to. It's listening when you don't want to. It's asking the same questions over and over, and each time getting a teeny more bit of clarity. It's taking some steps backward (but not drinking) and being a total PITA, lol

We've been there my friend, we questioned, analyzed, over analyzed, got into moments, days, weeks of 'analysis paralysis' and still TRUDGED on.

The 'steps' help a lot in 'peeling the onion.' Oh and btw, after you have 'worked' the steps, then the hard work really begins. You have to start to learn how to LIVE THE STEPS, every day, 24/7.

Sounds daunting I know ............................. but ......................... stay in TODAY. Be the BEST you can be TODAY. (That best may not be as good as yesterday or tomorrow, but as long as you honestly know in your heart it was the 'best' for today, then you are moving forward.)

You may not believe it, right now, today, but the road you are embarking on is going to take you to places, and into a life you would never have believed was possible. However, it is going to require more hard work on your part than you have ever expended before (after all we are a 'lazy' lot, lol) but OH SO WORTH IT.

Keep posting, go to as many meetings as you can (for the fellowship, not so much The Program), ask questions of your sponsor, us, and in the meetings, keep reading, keep sharing as honestly as you can with your sponsor ........................ and I promise you IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!!!

You have my number, call if you need to talk, vent, ask questions.

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-03-2010, 05:31 AM
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I too didn't know who I was anymore. My drinking had erased the person I truly was and left a stranger in its place - a stranger I didn't like or trust. But with the help of my addiction counselor I've made astounding progress at understanding and loving myself, just as I am.
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Old 11-03-2010, 05:58 AM
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Dallas, I know you've had a 'missing puzzle piece' for a long time.. and I truly hope you find it. I can't remember now, but have you tried getting some counseling or anything 'extra' to support your work on yourself? I know I wasn't able to figure myself out by myself very well .. I kept getting stuck too!!

Woops, sorry.. went back and re-read your post.. I see that you're a bit wary of counseling. So was I! terrified in fact.. but I was 'forced' into it by my employer, thank GOD!! It was so scary, and ultimately such a relief.. to finally be able to spill all my junk at someone else, who wasn't going to give me any BS because he wasn't invested in my life (only my insurance payment lol), unbiased mostly. Sometimes I didn't like his opinion, sometimes I hated having to talk about what we were.. but the feeling of cleansing myself, finally undoing the clutter and facing the demons I was scared to face (and didn't even know I had) was a true turning point in my recovery and I haven't looked back. Please, if you're considering it, try.. try it, just once.. it might hurt a little, but isn't the way you're living now hurting too?
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
In many ways, I don't know who I am.

After drinking for almost 30 years, having a sober month here and there, I have lost touch with who I am and I try my damnest to stay that way.

If I'm not drunk, then I'm chasing something, either money, romance, food, exercise because I feel guilty from eating so much, lol, it doesn't matter. Everything is an obsession with me.

I simply cannot recall a day where I was relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.

I think my problems are much more than just a drinking problem, they lie deeper in the layers of my life, and that's where I get lost. I keep thinking that if I could just not drink, life would be rosy, but it seems more confusing to me when I'm sober, so I drink again to return to the known quantity of misery vs the unknown misery of sobriety. When I get lonely, instead of learning how to relax, I find a lady to call, date, see and ultimately get drunk with. It's another form of escape, and all along I think I'm chasing love. Love's not that way, but I don't know love, so all I know is how to pretend to love while drunk. That's sad and so I watch other people who seem to be in love and wonder why I've never experienced that. Maybe I can't and never will.

When I stop drinking, I'm confronted with life and don't know how to do it well. It's a mystery to me; like love, what is that, how do you experience it, and what does it really feel like? Misery is predictable, but sobriety is like a foreign country and I don't speak the language. It's that I don't speak the language of life, I don't know how to have a "home", nor do I know how to be with someone else 100%, and that stuff scares the daylight out of me. What's frustrating is wanting to live a good life, but not knowing how to do that, how to connect with someone and just listen, how to be a real friend, what does that mean?

I feel like I'm writing a journal or something, but I can't talk of these things, for I know no one to talk with about these issues. I think I need a counselor, but I'm too scared of pulling the junk out of the closet and looking at it. But I know that if I don't, it is only a matter of time till I drink again, and you know what, sometimes we don't come back and that's a scary thing too.

Thanks for letting me share.

Wow, so much of this is "my story" only from the female perspective and now I feel like crying. When I stopped drinking after 30 or so yrs I had no idea who I was nor what to do with myself. I had dated so many and married twice thinking that "love" would fix me but I really didn't love any of them they were all just an escape for me. When I stopped drinking I made a decision to not date at all, to spend at least a year focusing on just me and my recovery. I was scared of everything that first 12-18 months but with counseling, reading everything I could get my hands on about recovery, and praying I discovered an inner peace and am now happier and more content than I've ever been. I finally learned and accepted that you can't love another until/unless you truly love yourself and if we're slowly killing ourselves w/alcohol/drugs it's obvious we don't love ourselves. I'm still on my journey of self discovery 3 yrs into recovery and I know it's possible I may never reach the point of being able to give and receive 100% (or even 75%) to another but now that is ok because I am happy and content with me and me alone.

Keeping a journal is a wonderful way to open and let go so just keep on pouring out your feelings.
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:10 AM
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Dallas,

I agree with you that stopping drinking does not solve all the problems. The really hard work begins at that time. When I stopped drinking, I was a shell of a person, very broken-down and isolated. All the layers of me that had fallen away were gone. I had to start from scratch and figure out who I was and what I wanted. For me, the first thing I had to do in recovery was to reconnect with my spiritual self. I had to find a reason and purpose for living and for carrying on with all the hard work ahead of me. I think that if you take it slow, and take some time to be still and quiet with yourself, you will find your way.
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:41 AM
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Thanks for all your replies, you guys and gals are really making me think here, lol.

It's the substitutes that don't taste as good as the real thing that are killing me. It's like settling for imitation ice cream to save a few pennies, without ever discovering what real ice cream tastes like.

Not knowing who I am effects every aspect of my life, because I make decisions based on what I "think" might be the right one, but I don't really know. I even did this with college and went to school for years studying a subject that sounded good, but bored me to tears, lol. It's crazy. I've dated women I was never really interested in just to have someone to date. I've drank and bought drinks for people to fill the gaps in my life, because I have no real friends. I've done jobs I knew I didn't want because they filled a void in my life. I've even bought clothes that were "in style" because I didn't have a style, so I just bought what was "in". Now, at least I know to stick with Levis, lol.

When I'm not hungover and have no reason to hate myself today, it's like ok, who are you.....really? I don't know, so I go with the guy I think I might want to be, but that feels fake. I try to act with integrity, so I can say I have some, but what is integrity? See, I see my life slipping away and want to answer all these questions, but drive myself nuts in the process. This is where I hit those slippery slopes, I want to live with integrity, so I want to know what it is, because for so many years I pretended to have integrity while all along taking advantage of others and justifying my behavior because it's a dog-eat-dog world "out there". So, that's just one area I need to change. The list goes on and on.

So, I'm learning here folks. It sux, but I'm learning. It's like the class I never took, because I was out in the alley smoking weed and skipping class, lol.

Thanks for helping me, I love ya all.
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by firestorm090 View Post
I simply cannot recall a day where I was relaxed and comfortable in my own skin.

I think my problems are much more than just a drinking problem, they lie deeper in the layers of my life, and that's where I get lost. I keep thinking that if I could just not drink, life would be rosy, but it seems more confusing to me when I'm sober, so I drink again to return to the known quantity of misery vs the unknown misery of sobriety. When I get lonely, instead of learning how to relax, I find a lady to call, date, see and ultimately get drunk with. It's another form of escape, and all along I think I'm chasing love.

When I stop drinking, I'm confronted with life and don't know how to do it well. It's a mystery to me; like love, what is that, how do you experience it, and what does it really feel like?

don't know how to have a "home", nor do I know how to be with someone else 100%, and that stuff scares the daylight out of me. What's frustrating is wanting to live a good life, but not knowing how to do that, how to connect with someone and just listen, how to be a real friend, what does that mean?
That's fabulous D..... really, it is. And you're absolutely right. Alcohol is NOT your problem.....and I don't mean "it's a solution" (although it IS a form of a solution for most of us).

Everything you wrote up there.....all of it..... it describes your problem......and IT IS NO ALCOHOL. Your problem, my good friend, is alcoholism, chronic alcoholism if you will.

If alcohol was your problem, then stopping drinking would end the pain, the misery, the uncomfortable feelings, the "not fitting in," the love interest issues, peace and serenity would return, and.....as you said...life would be rosy again. This would be an example of acute alcoholism.....alcoholism that stops when the drinking stops. In acute alcoholism, once you stop drinking life starts to get better. For this sort of alcoholic, a lot of the catch phrases you hear in meetings will work: just don't drink, just say no, don't drink no matter what, meeting makers make it, find a support group, fake it till you make it, and so forth. For some alcoholics though, this doesn't cut the mustard.

Chronic alcoholism, on the other hand, is the sort that continues even when you're not drinking. It's not like a cold where you take a treatment and it goes away. It's like herpes...it never goes away. Life seems to get worse after a period of abstinence. You may be able to follow the phrases above BUT......life just seems to pile and pile and PILE up on you. I've heard it described as in invisible spring in your gut that gets turned just a little bit every single day till, eventually, it snaps......and then you find yourself drunk under the guise of any one of a number of "excuses" (love, anger, fear, celebration, etc).

For some people, the act of "not drinking no matter what," combined with some improved nutrition, a workout regime, getting out of the house and working on some social phobias, and getting involved in some group activities (maybe even group therapy) works wonders. When the alcohol intake stops and some basic social skills are used, the problem of dealing with life starts to disappear. The chronic alcoholic (or, as the BB calls them, the real alcoholic) however, they can do these same things and they'll still find no real true lasting happiness.

For the chronic alcoholic there is ONE solution.......PERIOD.......the chronic alcoholic MUST find a power greater than human power to relieve them of the obsession to drink and to relieve them from the pain and suffering of their alcoholism. By definition, an acute alcoholic (aka a "heavy drinker" in the BB)can find solutions in the human-based world and by definition a chronic alcoholic can't....ever.

If you think you're of the second variety......the chronic alcoholic.......the one who can't seem to manage their life well drunk OR sober...... you're in luck. There's this program of action that, IF TAKEN (in other words, IF YOU DO THE WORK), will take those problems away.

And I KNOW you've heard this a 1000 times.....and I'm sure you're sick of hearing it......but you came online and asked so I'll tell you. You're probably a real alcoholic. And if you are, that will never change (remember, it's like herpes) but if you do what the recovered folks in AA are doing you can put it into remission.......and keep it there forever.......if you're willing to do what we are doing and what we've done.
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:57 AM
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Hey Dallas, go easy yourself, man... We are all just human beings on this planet, just doin' the best we can... We all are afraid to look at what's in the closet, under the bed, whatever... There's nothin' there that hasn't been in someone else's experience...

Whatever is at the core of your onion is gonna be a whole lot less frightening than you seem to think it is... I am over 50 too... Lotta years, lotta f-ups, lotta awesome things too... But the marvelous realization is that I am just a man... that's all, no more, no less... how cool is that... Just be...

Spirituality helps on this journey, ya know... Now do that inventory, your worrying about it is making it seem a whole lot onerous than it is... You wanna be free?

Thanx, Firestorm, for bein' here.
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Old 11-03-2010, 07:59 AM
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You know DT, you're right.

My problem is I give the steps a little work, then I get frustrated, and I think, "hey Mary wanted me to call her", so I put the book down, call Mary (or insert name here__________) and we talk, she may want to get together, then there goes my " recovery work" till next time, lol.

Then when I'm all broken up and hungover, I come here. That's what I have to stop, so I can't date now, and that leaves that void that "Mary" filled wide open. Then what?
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Old 11-03-2010, 08:23 AM
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So, I"m making a decision to stop dating for at least six months, I'll try to do it a year, just to give the ladies out there a break, lol.

But next Christmas, 2011, look out, lol.
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