Dallas, I know you've had a 'missing puzzle piece' for a long time.. and I truly hope you find it. I can't remember now, but have you tried getting some counseling or anything 'extra' to support your work on yourself? I know I wasn't able to figure myself out by myself very well .. I kept getting stuck too!!
Woops, sorry.. went back and re-read your post.. I see that you're a bit wary of counseling. So was I! terrified in fact.. but I was 'forced' into it by my employer, thank GOD!! It was so scary, and ultimately such a relief.. to finally be able to spill all my junk at someone else, who wasn't going to give me any BS because he wasn't invested in my life (only my insurance payment lol), unbiased mostly. Sometimes I didn't like his opinion, sometimes I hated having to talk about what we were.. but the feeling of cleansing myself, finally undoing the clutter and facing the demons I was scared to face (and didn't even know I had) was a true turning point in my recovery and I haven't looked back. Please, if you're considering it, try.. try it, just once.. it might hurt a little, but isn't the way you're living now hurting too?