(((((Dallas)))))
You have just started "PEELING THE ONION." It will take many years. Hell for me, I am still 'peeling' over 29 years later, lol
One of the things that really jumped out at me in early recovery, and sticks with me yet today, from the BB is "alcohol is but a symptom ......".
I was at a meeting, close to my 1st sober year, with my sponsor, and a lady was taking a cake for 20 years. I didn't say a word, but there must have been a look on my face that my sponsor caught, because she looked me dead in the eye and said:
"You will get 20 years, ONE DAY AT A TIME, just like the rest of us." Then she chuckled.
One of the hardest things for me in recovery the first few years was to learn how to LIVE TODAY to the fullest. To stay out of tomorrow.
I know you want to be 'well.' I know you want 'the whole enchilada.' and I know you want it all RIGHT NOW lmao Ain't going to happen my friend. It's 'baby steps.' It's lots and lots of TRUDGIN, especially when the alligators are up to your azz. It's going to meetings when you don't want to. It's listening when you don't want to. It's asking the same questions over and over, and each time getting a teeny more bit of clarity. It's taking some steps backward (but not drinking) and being a total PITA, lol
We've been there my friend, we questioned, analyzed, over analyzed, got into moments, days, weeks of 'analysis paralysis' and still TRUDGED on.
The 'steps' help a lot in 'peeling the onion.' Oh and btw, after you have 'worked' the steps, then the hard work really begins. You have to start to learn how to LIVE THE STEPS, every day, 24/7.
Sounds daunting I know ............................. but ......................... stay in TODAY. Be the BEST you can be TODAY. (That best may not be as good as yesterday or tomorrow, but as long as you honestly know in your heart it was the 'best' for today, then you are moving forward.)
You may not believe it, right now, today, but the road you are embarking on is going to take you to places, and into a life you would never have believed was possible. However, it is going to require more hard work on your part than you have ever expended before (after all we are a 'lazy' lot, lol) but OH SO WORTH IT.
Keep posting, go to as many meetings as you can (for the fellowship, not so much The Program), ask questions of your sponsor, us, and in the meetings, keep reading, keep sharing as honestly as you can with your sponsor ........................ and I promise you IT WILL GET BETTER!!!!!!
You have my number, call if you need to talk, vent, ask questions.
Love and hugs,