Oh man! I was just pondering this very idea this morning, Ilovem. My HP must have known you would post this today.
I've just discovered that my dependence on my EX as my drug of choice was about my insatiable need that I have had since childhood to be right in many ways and it wasn't just being right that I wanted. I wanted to be acknowledged on a grand scale that I was right, that I told them so, that I had the answers that were being sought, and above all that when someone told me I was wrong or that I had done something wrong when I knew I hadn't, that they deserved to apologize to me for the great injustice.
You know how they say that it's okay if no one believes the truth because you and God know the truth, well that just never held water with me. It never counted until it was known and accepted by all parties. No exceptions. I could never let things go.
Kinda crazy, right? What the heck does that have to do with my XABF being an alcoholic?? Well, absolutely nothing. Because it wasn't about him being an alcoholic that fed my addiction, it was his denial that he had any kind of problem at all. It was the fact that he abdication all of his obligations in life to me that got me off. The fact that I was the grand enabler that held his pitiful drunk self in the palm of my hands. He couldn't survive without me so I thought and he should agree me with especially about what I think his biggest problems are, right??
He was a drunk, and I was going to prove it to him come hell or high water and by the time I sought recovery, it wasn't just about him admitting it either, it was about him going through recovery, making some serious amends, coming out to his family and announcing in all ways significant that Alice the Great was Right!!!
{cue the maniacal laughter here}
Ok, now I ask you, how much of a control freak, power junky, supressed little dictator am I???? Big one...seriously....big one!!
What kept me staying for 10+ years? Well, I realize now that whenever he would break down and sob for forgiveness for whatever wrong he'd done the night before, I got my fix. Whenever his family would confide in me that they thought he had a problem, I got my fix. Whenever I vented to my family or friends about his problem and they told me how sorry they were for me and how I was right and he was wrong, I got my fix. He was an endless supply to my addiction. Like having a drive-up dealer in my kitchen open all hours day or night.
When I left him, I had a lot of problems, none of them I thought were withdrawal. I am learning more every day, though.
So that's my experience with it. I'm sure I seem fired up about it but really I'm just proud of my revelation. I'm trying not to gloat to myself that I was right all along, though, cuz that just seems to defeat the purpose. LOL!
Keep diving into what's driving you in your relationship with your addict. That's all part of taking your own inventory and it's an evolving process. It's well worth the effort. Recovery is a wondrous thing!
Alice