Originally Posted by
Daybreak 
What's the difference between "taking responsibility" for words and/or actions and "blame?" What is so wrong with shame? I am ashamed of things I do and say sometimes. Then I'm sorry. I do my best to make amends and not repeat the offense. I hope forgiveness will be extended. If it is - thank you. If it isn't, I know everyone does wrong things and I have done the right thing about the wrong thing. Life goes on.
Modern culture has a burr up its butt about guilt. I like the line from High Wind in Jamaica (I think it was that movie) -- where the ship's crew is wrongly sentenced to be hanged, one sailor wails "But we're not guilty!" The captain replies, "You must be guilty of something." I am not advocating we wallow in guilt -- just trying to keep my own vision clear. I am NOT guilty of causing AH's alcoholism -- for example.
I think that is the point I was trying to make. When I first started searching for help and information about my situation, the first website I found was this one.
http://www.joy2meu.com
He talks about guilt and shame and makes the distinction that guilt is something you feel when you do something 'wrong.' Shame is feeling you are a 'bad person' because of it. And as codependents, we feel both guilt and shame for things others do. This is part of what keeps us stuck and feeling trapped in our situations.
The problem I have with shame and blame is that it's all about the past. If we spend our days trying to figure out who's to blame and who's 'fault' it is, we stay stuck in the past. As Bernadette likes to say--"You are free in this moment." Changing our lives for the better does not begin by figuring out who is at fault. It begins with awareness. Awareness of our choices and our own power over our situation. From there, we can take responsibility for ourselves moving forward. Deconstructing how we got where we are can help, but it's an exercise for a later time, not something we can objectively do while we are in the burning building. To me at least, that is the difference between taking responsibility and feeling guilt/shame. One is about the present. The other is about the past.
L