great post, great responses all.
I think TRD's point is not that there has to be blame, not that there aren't choices, I think her point is that for someone on the receiving end of abuse responsibility = fault, there is no distinction between them when you are within that world. that is pretty much the point of abuse, for the perpetrator to get their chosen person into that frame of mind, and it can take years of subtle, practiced, relentless application of techniques to get someone there. 2 sentences on an internet forum in response to a cry for help won't undo that work.
Fault, blame and responsibility certainly were synonymous to me. Therefore to talk of responsibility to someone who is within an abusive relationship and just starting to take the enormously brave step of reaching out (when we have no idea what risks they are taking to do so) serves no helpful purpose to the abused person.
I understand the motivation, to shake or shock or shout someone out of a damaging mindset, to help them see that they are not trapped, to show them that they have choices that it is not hopeless that they can get out and not get caught up in a relationship like that again, to save them pain...BUT...
Once we know the information that a person on the receiving end of abuse will interpret talk of responsibility and choices as further reinforcement of the abuser's words, I think we have to ask ourselves why would we continue to talk in those terms??
....definition of insanity comes to mind... doing something that ought to help over and over again, even though we have been told by experts and recipients that it has the oppposite effect.