Originally Posted by
Bolina 
My world had become so narrow that I couldn't see beyond him changing or me putting up with it. That I had an active choice every day to stay or not in that relationship didn't really occur to me because I was so enmeshed in the situation. After I understood the 3 Cs, all(!) that was left for me to change was me and my reactions to, and actions regarding, the alcoholic and my life with or without him. Of course, I was exercising choice before that revelation, however it was not a conscious one. And it was me that ignored the red flags. It was partly my baggage that took me into that relationship and then kept me there. However, it was him that targeted me when I was vulnerable. It was him that manipulated me from day 1, who used my naivete against me. It was him that spun the lies and hid the bottles and insisted on talking late into the night so that I was constantly tired (and hence more vulnerable) and guilt tripped me into having sex with him etc etc. The responsibility for being a ****head stops with him.
These are great points. And while I have great respect for Toby Rice Drews, I think she has missed the mark a bit here. She seems to be drawing a bright line between blaming the codependent or blaming the alcoholic. I don't think that line is so sharp, and in fact, don't personally believe it needs to be drawn at all.
I think the line is between taking responsibility for our own behavior, versus taking responsibility for someone elses. I don't feel the need to find fault in my circumstances. And I don't personally feel that there has to be "blame." Although I do understand the feeling of "if it's not my fault, it must be his," and vice-versa.
I do see how bringing this up can be perceived by someone as blaming them. On the other hand, I have seen many times (on this board and IRL) the other end of the spectrum. People who refuse to take any responsibility in their own circumstances and continually blaming others. (Sound like any A's you know?) I mean, how different is it to blame drinking on a terrible childhood, personal tragedy, or bad luck of "having a disease?"
I don't know if I've articulated this very well, but I think taking the concept of "blame" out if it all together is a healthier approach than shifting the blame to the alcoholic. The alcoholic owns sole responsibility for his choices and behavior, and I own mine.
L