Thank you for this, Floss. I read this when you first put it up and it has been on my mind ever since. It chimes with how my thinking has changed over the past few years, although my present thoughts are a little cloudy and I'm not sure that I am ready yet to put them into words, so apologies if I miss the point. I'll have a go.....
I know that I can come across a little, erm, abrasive on-line. And that sometimes that may come across as victim-blaming. In fact, I am sure that I am victim-blaming in the sense of your OP, although that is never my intention. I think those responses stem from my biggest lightbulb moment when I was in a relationship with an alcoholic - that I had choices. My world had become so narrow that I couldn't see beyond him changing or me putting up with it. That I had an active choice every day to stay or not in that relationship didn't really occur to me because I was so enmeshed in the situation. After I understood the 3 Cs, all(!) that was left for me to change was me and my reactions to, and actions regarding, the alcoholic and my life with or without him. Of course, I was exercising choice before that revelation, however it was not a conscious one. And it was me that ignored the red flags. It was partly my baggage that took me into that relationship and then kept me there. However, it was him that targeted me when I was vulnerable. It was him that manipulated me from day 1, who used my naivete against me. It was him that spun the lies and hid the bottles and insisted on talking late into the night so that I was constantly tired (and hence more vulnerable) and guilt tripped me into having sex with him etc etc. The responsibility for being a ****head stops with him. I am becoming increasingly hard-line about this, actually. That is someting I need to be aware of when posting on-line because it is too easy to invoke the "but i love him" retreat in a newbie.
If I had never met him, I would have probably ended up in a common or garden relationship, with some tricky times that a spot of therapy would have cleared up (partly joking). As it was, I ended up in a situation that is still having an effect on me 5 years later. I am grumpily grateful now, because I prefer the person that I am now than the person I would probably have become had I not met him.
Of course, recovery is a process and just like running before I could walk would not have worked for me, I have to remind myself that it is the same for others. No matter that I want to save them some pain by nudging them further along the path before they are ready or that I am probably actually speaking to myself when I am responding to someone else. I still do it because I am still recovering.
I thank you deeply for this post and I shall bear it in mind every single time I post a resonse to someone.