This week I have just had an unraveling of what I thought was true. I thought I had to try to hold my family together.I had to go support my daughter. I have to have Thanksgiving at my house. But for some reason when the therapist said all that stuff about me teaching my daughter to take and not give, and getting my self worth from keeping the family from falling apart, something in me changed.
I just told my husband this morning that I don't think I can handle doing Thanksgiving this year..at all.The past 6 years have been filled with completely inappropriate behavior by my 2 kids.Last year I was literally sick from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I cannot do this to myself anymore.
I am definately in the middle of a midlife crisis which is good because I can't keep going the way I've been. I have to shift my whole perspective and let go of all the old ideas that keep me doing things I don't want to do. It's hard.,I feel guilty. (I should be more supportive of my daughter, she's trying to get better, I should just let go and forgive all the hell of these past years, suck it up and deal)but to be honest I am still really mad. I have tried to pretend that I've forgiven, but when she keeps doing things I just can't move beyond it. So maybe I need to just feel mad for a while. I don't know, but the answers are slowly coming.