NY Jets,
Welcome to the struggle and the rewards. We've all been through our own hell while drinking. I think with each other's help and using every medical/meeting/counseling and online resource you will get to a much better place. Don't beat yourself up so much, as you can make amends later, right now focus on getting all the help and support YOU need. We are here for you too, and you be there for us. Really! Might even find some friends around these parts. If you crave some personal contact where you can be yourself, try some AA meetings and see if they suit ya.
Remember if you don't ask, nobody can say yes.