Hi BigChief,
Firstly, I should clarify, I didn't write the above. I found it on the Getting Them Sober website written by Toby Drew, author, counsellor and site administrator. When I read it a few weeks ago, it was like a light turning on in my head. Finally, I felt as though I could accept where I am right now...and the light bulbs (and mini breakthroughs) have been turning on ever since.
I agree with what you say BC as I've experienced first hand that's it's not always the alcoholic who is the abusive/controlling/blaming one. I grew up with an alcoholic father. He was abused physically, mentally and verbally by my very abusive mother (she takes the freeze dried stuff..valium). As an adult, I have gone on to repeat the family disease. I have married hybrids of my mother and father, recreating the past. I've been married to alcoholics who have abandoned me (my dad left when I was 6) and abused me (my mother's abuse). It affects the whole family and this is why my recovery is so important! I want to become healthy so my children don't repeat history.
I'm happy to say, my dad has 9 years of sobriety! He took me to my first Al-Anon meeting 6 years ago. He and I are the only ones in the family who are in any type of recovery. I've attended Al-Anon on and off, more off than on though and my denial ran deep (I'm still breaking through it now). I started back at Al-Anon recently but, to be honest, felt like I needed more. I felt I needed another 12 step meeting and I decided to go to AA. I went for the first time about 3 weeks ago. Wow, what a turning point for me! I sat there and heard the RA's talking about their resentments, bitterness, frustrations, disappointments and I thought "They're talking about me! What's going on?" Then I heard them say they now have happiness, peace, serenity! "What? How come they have it and I don't? I want what some of what they have!". I spoke to an old timer and he could see the recognition in my face. I now understand, I have the dis-ease, I have the 'isms'. I have the spiritual malady. And yes, there have been times where I've picked up the drink and drank to get drunk! God, I'm so grateful I've realised this now!
I did more research and finally found the ACoA Laundry List a couple of weeks ago! Yay! More light bulb moments! Especially this one....13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. I just wish there was a ACoA meeting near me. And, yay, they have a big red book! I'm thinking about starting a meeting near me when I have a little more recovey under my belt.
Back to the abuse, shame, blame thing. My ex AH was so violently abusive, I wasn't 'allowed' to answer back, control, blame. I had to hold it all in. If I didn't, I know he could have killed me. As it was, my health deteriorated to such a degree, I thought I was going to die anyway. It's by the Grace of God, I got out of that (yep, and went on to another A, God help me!). I was so ashamed of the abuse, I couldn't even open up to a counsellor about it. I was also not believed by some people because he seemed like "such a cool guy!". When my dad took me to my first Al-Anon meeting, I said "I don't think my dad's alcoholism has affected me!". This was the extent of my deeply ingrained denial. Moving on to my next A, I did try to fix, blame, control...I found it soooo hard to let go and let God. Now I'm finding I'm enjoying the recovery process! I'm finally starting to 'get real' with myself and I'm starting to feel.
I just hope that my post helps others new to recovery as it helped me. I have found my healing has accelerated so much since I first read it!
