brokenheartfool

I am going to respond to this last post and add things for anyone who also answered my post, thank you all.
I think what I'm feeling is pre-divorce jitters, or cold feet. The thought of the finality of it all, that we're never going to go on our usual trips and vacations together, which was a highlight of our relationship (he was in a much better mood and often not drinking as much) and even quite frankly that I can no longer afford that style of living by myself has me missing these things.

I was not your usual enabler. He is a very responsible and successful person. My standard of living has decreased significantly. However, that's petty shallow stuff, so onward soldier, with the work of the rest of my life.
What I was was the "provoker" as al-anon calls them. Anger, resentment, sabotage, because I couldn't understand his way of thinking and I couldn't change his thinking. Something was missing in the logic dept. when it came to relationships, well, wives.
He pampers, but on his terms. All this though has led me to wonder if I was missing compassion. He suffered 3 different and highly unusual forms of childhood trauma while growing up in a fairly educated environment. What else can I blame it on? He also suffered brain damage from one of these traumas.
He was very giving, but I felt that he was robbing my soul at the same time. This is where my situation is different than most. I hear these horror stories and think these alanon people are super heros, and here I was, pampered and whining for honest rational love. Humph. Does such a thing exist?
I always thought so, and I'm chasing it again, far too early, most people are going to tell me. Well I'm not one to sit around and work on me, so to speak. I always feel I can do both, and can't see the point in being lonely. Everybody has their flaws. Maybe one of mine is jumping right into new relationships, which is how I ended up in this marriage that is ending very soon.
Talk me through this one. If you love someone--then you love them. Alanon would agree with this thinking. You just deal with it, and love them anyway, and find the ways that you can cope with it all.
So, I feel that I failed him because I left him!

Who knows. Maybe because of the brain damage (he's still extremely intelligent and successful as I said before) maybe because of the childhood trauma, maybe who knows what, he is damaged in his way, and if I loved him, I'd love him regardless.
I can't say that I didn't know that something was off when I married him, I think I did, although I hadn't nailed it down yet. But I left, and before that, I chastised him on a regular basis for years.
Maybe I'm too strong, or unusually strong, and have been lucky enough to have lived a life so far that hasn't involved a whole lot of trauma. Maybe people that are like me, don't hold enough compassion for those that have suffered. Maybe it's why I am not understanding.
Or maybe I walked into a relationship I had no business being in.
Or maybe I'm not as strong as I think. Or maybe, my thinking he is damaged is not right because maybe I'm just as damaged but of course don't see how I am damaged.
Ah well. Can't afford therapy now that I am losing health insurance. So SR and some alanon meetings again are what I have, and I have to do both without a victim mentality, which is just a pity party for someone who was pampered.
Heavy drinker tbxh--and I will only call him heavy drinker because I now believe it is up to him to decide if he is A or not--seems to be in damage control to his own ego mode. He isn't drinking much. He's socializing more. This is his way of getting through the divorce and perhaps even going as far as to blame me for previous drinking, although he was a very heavy drinker for many years before he married me (I learned this later in the relationship from his relatives).
He has to save himself, understandably. I anticipate a total relapse into serious heavy drinking again because he doesn't work any program, he's either too big for them and couple that with he doesn't like to humble himself yet has seriously low self-esteem for all his success in business.
The man is a big success in his field. He's also on divorce number 4.

Oh yeah, I was supposed to focus on me. Well I'm a financial train wreck. He saved me on numerous occassions. He was the financial hero, I was the?