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Old 10-15-2010, 05:23 PM
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New Here...Hello all

My divorce is final in two weeks. I know I don't want to go back to him. I know we will never see eye to eye on things. I know I can't handle his ego in my life.
I really really really want to get better. I don't want to chastise him all the time, focus on him, or play the victim.
What I don't understand is why I seem to be too attached to the pain and don't move on as well as I should. I no longer know if I was addicted to him, anymore than he was addicted to me. I fed his ego. He pampered me in return. We called this love, and that was what we were addicted to. If it was love, it sure was twisted.
I can't be a part of bashing him anymore. I know it does nothing for my recovery. I am very serious about overcoming this daily feeling of misery.
I have gone very low contact. I know that contact at all, sets me back emotionally.
I feel as if I am addicted to being a victim. That somehow I have to carry that around like a badge of honor because I was never vindicated. That he owes me a huge apology that may very well never arrive.
Words of wisdom?
Thanks in advance.
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Old 10-15-2010, 05:53 PM
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I felt very similar to the way you describe when I got out of my alcoholic marriage.

I have found Alanon along with SR, a big help in learning to live a better, happier, more serene life. I was so used to the chaos and pain that when I finally got free, things felt almost too quiet, almost. I think we do get addicted to the drama and constant adrenaline rush of living with active addiction.

There is a lot of information up in the sticky section above the threads. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is helpful, as is individual counseling.

Surviving a relationship with an active alcoholic is a whole different ball game. It leaves most people shredded.

There are a lot of knowledgeable people here and a world of wisdom to help you recover.

Keep reading and posting and follow the advice of those who have gone before you, and you will get better.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 10-15-2010, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
Surviving a relationship with an active alcoholic is a whole different ball game. It leaves most people shredded.
That is how I am feeling.

Brokenhearted, you are not a fool. You are not. That's one thing you need to believe. I wish that I had something better to say, but please do not think or believe that you are foolish.

Sending positive thoughts to you and Coyote.

Be well,
Ala
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:47 PM
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Welcome to SR!!!

I suggest reading the stickies at the top of the forum...they contain alot of wisdom.

You are not alone in this and you can overcome this.

You are really smart to understand the pay-off....pampering in exchange for ego strokes...what a mouthful...I have never said that but you are right on the money with one of the things that was going on with me.

But I think I also gave up alot of my self-esteem in doing that...my integrity was compromised.

Also kudos on recognizing that contact with him is damaging to you...most of us need to go no contact in order to clear our minds and begin to recuperate.

So, please do make yourself at home...reading and posting..whatever is helpful to you.
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Old 10-15-2010, 07:57 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I too was not wanting to be a part of the A bashing after I made my choice to leave the marriage. (We also had children). I dreaded the divorce process and having to share all the ugliness with two attorneys as I was looking for legal support. I just wanted to stop rehashing the past.

I had forgiven my A. I forgave him for not being what I wanted him to be. I was ready to move forward.

The divorce process keeps it alive/current for a little while. It does get better.

SR, Alanon and self-improvement books have helped me.

I also had to fogive myself. I had to accept my short comings. I needed to love myself and let myself heal. I was doing the best I could at the time.

Now I am able to share my experience with others. I don't dwell on the past, but accept it as part of my story. I accept that history as part of making me who I am today.

There is an interesting link here about woundology. Let me find it......

Here it is. The article appears as the highlighted link.
Originally Posted by Gabe View Post
Many times, it's our past wounds that keep us from forming healthy relationships in our present.
And we can unknowingly participate in this, by using our wounds as some sort of definition of who we are.
Carolyn Myss refers to this as Woundology.
Here is a link to an excellent article addressing the subject.
Why People Don't Heal and How They Can
Let us know how we can help you.
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
My divorce is final in two weeks. I know I don't want to go back to him. I know we will never see eye to eye on things. I know I can't handle his ego in my life.
I really really really want to get better. I don't want to chastise him all the time, focus on him, or play the victim.
What I don't understand is why I seem to be too attached to the pain and don't move on as well as I should. I no longer know if I was addicted to him, anymore than he was addicted to me. I fed his ego. He pampered me in return. We called this love, and that was what we were addicted to. If it was love, it sure was twisted.
I can't be a part of bashing him anymore. I know it does nothing for my recovery. I am very serious about overcoming this daily feeling of misery.
I have gone very low contact. I know that contact at all, sets me back emotionally.
I feel as if I am addicted to being a victim. That somehow I have to carry that around like a badge of honor because I was never vindicated. That he owes me a huge apology that may very well never arrive.
Words of wisdom?
Thanks in advance.
Hi and welcome. I an relate to your words here.

What you're feeling is no different than anyone feels after leaving any relationship. We all get "addicted" to our spouse after so many years.

My therapist told me "Anyone who lasts in any relationship has just learned tolerance, because the majority if not all lasting/happy relationships are about how much we can tolerate the other person"

We all have these stars in our eyes when it comes to how a marriage should be. Relationships are work and we give them our all and when they fail, we feel the loss.

The feeling of loss is really REALLY hard. I'm feeling it now only being 2 1/2 months out of my relationship.
What we felt was love, and yes at times our actions were twisted and hurtful, but underneath is all, there was love, need and everything else any couples feels.

I understand about the victim role, I play it some days also saying "how could he have cheated on me and throw our love out the window and just not worry about losing me" but then there are days I think "I played 50% of the other role in the relationship and need to accept that"

Was your H an active A or in recovery? Did you ever go to Al anon?
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Hi and welcome. I an relate to your words here.

What you're feeling is no different than anyone feels after leaving any relationship. We all get "addicted" to our spouse after so many years.

The feeling of loss is really REALLY hard. I'm feeling it now only being 2 1/2 months out of my relationship.
Was your H an active A or in recovery? Did you ever go to Al anon?
I am going to respond to this last post and add things for anyone who also answered my post, thank you all.
I think what I'm feeling is pre-divorce jitters, or cold feet. The thought of the finality of it all, that we're never going to go on our usual trips and vacations together, which was a highlight of our relationship (he was in a much better mood and often not drinking as much) and even quite frankly that I can no longer afford that style of living by myself has me missing these things.

I was not your usual enabler. He is a very responsible and successful person. My standard of living has decreased significantly. However, that's petty shallow stuff, so onward soldier, with the work of the rest of my life.
What I was was the "provoker" as al-anon calls them. Anger, resentment, sabotage, because I couldn't understand his way of thinking and I couldn't change his thinking. Something was missing in the logic dept. when it came to relationships, well, wives.
He pampers, but on his terms. All this though has led me to wonder if I was missing compassion. He suffered 3 different and highly unusual forms of childhood trauma while growing up in a fairly educated environment. What else can I blame it on? He also suffered brain damage from one of these traumas.
He was very giving, but I felt that he was robbing my soul at the same time. This is where my situation is different than most. I hear these horror stories and think these alanon people are super heros, and here I was, pampered and whining for honest rational love. Humph. Does such a thing exist?
I always thought so, and I'm chasing it again, far too early, most people are going to tell me. Well I'm not one to sit around and work on me, so to speak. I always feel I can do both, and can't see the point in being lonely. Everybody has their flaws. Maybe one of mine is jumping right into new relationships, which is how I ended up in this marriage that is ending very soon.
Talk me through this one. If you love someone--then you love them. Alanon would agree with this thinking. You just deal with it, and love them anyway, and find the ways that you can cope with it all.
So, I feel that I failed him because I left him!

Who knows. Maybe because of the brain damage (he's still extremely intelligent and successful as I said before) maybe because of the childhood trauma, maybe who knows what, he is damaged in his way, and if I loved him, I'd love him regardless.
I can't say that I didn't know that something was off when I married him, I think I did, although I hadn't nailed it down yet. But I left, and before that, I chastised him on a regular basis for years.
Maybe I'm too strong, or unusually strong, and have been lucky enough to have lived a life so far that hasn't involved a whole lot of trauma. Maybe people that are like me, don't hold enough compassion for those that have suffered. Maybe it's why I am not understanding.
Or maybe I walked into a relationship I had no business being in.
Or maybe I'm not as strong as I think. Or maybe, my thinking he is damaged is not right because maybe I'm just as damaged but of course don't see how I am damaged.
Ah well. Can't afford therapy now that I am losing health insurance. So SR and some alanon meetings again are what I have, and I have to do both without a victim mentality, which is just a pity party for someone who was pampered.
Heavy drinker tbxh--and I will only call him heavy drinker because I now believe it is up to him to decide if he is A or not--seems to be in damage control to his own ego mode. He isn't drinking much. He's socializing more. This is his way of getting through the divorce and perhaps even going as far as to blame me for previous drinking, although he was a very heavy drinker for many years before he married me (I learned this later in the relationship from his relatives).
He has to save himself, understandably. I anticipate a total relapse into serious heavy drinking again because he doesn't work any program, he's either too big for them and couple that with he doesn't like to humble himself yet has seriously low self-esteem for all his success in business.
The man is a big success in his field. He's also on divorce number 4.

Oh yeah, I was supposed to focus on me. Well I'm a financial train wreck. He saved me on numerous occassions. He was the financial hero, I was the?
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:20 PM
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Hi,

I will address just one of your statements, that he is very successful and intelligent, and, is about to be involved in a 4th divorce...I can relate to that...although I am not an addict, I do not have the ability to make a marriage work.

My first priorty has always been my career, I married because it served a purpose for me.
I never should have married, period, I could never serve two masters, all my intelligence and success could stop the house of cards from falling down, over and over again.

All you can do right now is to try and think on your feet and work through this dilema. Because you love someone doesn't mean that you have to dedicate your whole life to them. You have not failed him, he has failed him.
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:29 PM
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I hear you about not wanting to sit in the victim role, however alcoholism is a family disease and it does effect you and that makes you another victim of alcoholism.

Perhaps if you can identify those things which hurt you or didn't agree with your needs from a marriage you may be able to resolve some of the pain. Then let it go as part of the grieving process.

Divorce is horribly painful.
My impulse is to skip over the pain part but it always charges me my due.
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Old 10-21-2010, 06:49 PM
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It's easy to get wrapped up in the details and go over and over everything in your head. I've done that so much I think I made myself crazy. I think in the mental health field they call it anxiety. Lately I've been taking vitamins and supplements like fish oil to calm some really bad anxiety I've been having the last few months and it's working

I do recommend Al-Anon because it can help you straighten some of these things out in your head.you hear different perspectives there. One thing you learn in Al-Anon is how to stay in the present moment. That helps to calm the anxiety too.

Hope you work it out soon.
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