I guess I should clarify myself. Have you ever had one of those friends that makes you into someone your not when you're with them? Christina is like that for me. She talks and acts a certain way and we've known each other since we were 11 so, whenever I'm with her I can't help but kinda be that person that was her best friend. We act like we're 15 again. She's boy crazy and does stupid things. She just broke up with her ex. supossedly and when we went to the cornfest tonight he literally stalked us down and Christina was trying to get ahold of some oxy from him. I was just kinda like...whatever you want to do. I was inwardly annoyed as hell though cause everytime I go out with her, he ends up somehow tagging along and ruining things. I thought once they were broken up, that wouldn't be the case but....yeah. So, I had a couple of guy friends from way back that were going to meet us out by the entrance of the beer tent. They were going to come out and walk around with us for awhile. Well, about that time her b/f shows up saying he's taken a zillion drugs and drank 10 beers and he thought he was going to die. aka: getting sympathy from Christina and he tried to get her to ride with him back from 7-11 to the fair with him. I mean, it was just pissing me off. I was sitting in my car waiting for them to stop talking in the parking lot. Finally she gets in all pissed off like...Ok, he's not giving me any...lets go. So then i'm put in this position to take off or wait cause I don't know how serious she is. Well, I take off back to the fair cause I'm supposed to meet these guys at 11. Well, low and behold, guess who follows us? Surprize Surprize. We're standing by the fence to the beer tent and Christina sees him go walking past and runs off to stop him. Leaving me sitting there waiting for these guys. Well, she doesn't come back and I end up standing there by the beer tent for almost a half an hour. By this point, I was totally pissed off and frusterated at the night and after watching all these people getting drunk and hearing Christina say over and over, all I want is a buzz, I was just about over the edge. So, when they finally call me over they are sitting there eating nachos to which Christina says she has to go to the bathroom and hands me her nacho's and goes into one of those portapotty thingys. Well, her b/f follows her in there! Leaving me, once again standing alone outside the beer tent holding their nachos! Once they finally come out of there I'm like...ok, I gotta get going back and Christina asks if we can walk over to his van for a minute. I was like..fine, sure...it's on the way out. I swear her b/f could not have walked slower if he was crawling!! I really dislike him. Well, they get there and get this oxy all cut up on the mirror they stole from the potty thingy. Christina asks me if I want to try a little. I was thinking they had a little pill or something and after my toothache I was like...ya know, maybe it would take care of it if I just took a little bit of it. Well, turns out they already had it cut and ready to snort. So, her b/f lines a little teeny line up for me and I ended up doing it. I just went...what the hell...that little bit looks harmless, what can it possibly do to me except cure my killer toothache. It's the same stuff my dentist would give me if he knew the pain I'd been in for days! Right? Well, I didn't really feel very much but then on the way home we got this stupid idea. My window has been acting up and we were heading home by the poedunk country way and my window actually broke, the handle fell off. Well, it was helped by Christina jumping on it but she wantd to see jeff and I had this bright idea that he could fix it so she broke it. Yeah....I'm sure...we were fine! So, we go knocking on Jeff's door at 12:30am and he opens it in a bathrobe and I'm pretty much like...wow, this is the stupidist thing i'd ever done. Of course, that didn't occur to me then...at the time I was just having great fun right? So, I apoligize and ask if he can get my window to roll up. He ends up coming out and hooking a wrench to it and rolling it up for me. He seemed kinda pissed, rightfully so...but I did really appreaciate it! Well, come to find out after we left I reached down and he actually left the wrench on my door so I could roll the window down and up so...that was actually really cool. Then we headed back here, to my house and sat in the computer room playing on here. I just took Christina home and it's only now that I'm really feeling like an idiot. I don't know....it's hard to tell what I was thinking beyond, when I'm with Christina, stupid stuff happens. I mean, I still have my sobriety. We've been over that a million times. There is a difference in my life between being sober and being clean. They are most certainly different things in my brain because they take different motivations and different outcomes. Everything is just different but they are both bad. So, I'm still sober but I can't say I'm clean. I'm not sure oxy is even considered a drug yet it's so new...I don't know. I don't even really know what it is honestly. Yeah, that's how stupid I am. I snort something white that looks like crack but I'm assured is an oxy and somehow that makes it 'ok' for me....? I don't understand. I just need to get the hell away from Christina. She is such bad news for me. Anyways, now I'm here...getting ready to go to bed. I'm mortified about how I acted in front of Jeff. Right before I left though when I thanked him he like looked deep into my eyes. I'm not being wierd but I may have been being paranoid because I felt as though he could see right through me. I felt like with that one look he knew I was on something, maybe I was just being paranoid but...wow, that look really scared me. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want to be there at that point. I don't know...it's just wierd. I'm so mortified about him though, twice now...two times making an idiot out of myself. I'm just not going to talk to him and take some time to make myself sane again. So...there's my explanation....sigh....that's all I can say....sigh...I jsut don't know anymore. I don't know what to think about tonight...I don't even feel like cutting myself for 'punishment' or whatever...I just feel kinda numb.
Stacey