Hey, there,
Corn festival? Well, around here we have a pear festival, a crawdad festival, an asparagus festival, and we're just an hour from the garlic festival. This is Northern California, after all. Of course, there's plenty of corn--field, sweet, and pop--grown locally, too. And almonds and walnuts are big crops, but we don't have festivals for them.
Dave and I were having a talk about how I get so far in recovery but I can't seem to go any further because I just don't know how to. Well, not drinking is the key, and you seem to have that part down.
In the other thread you were talking about the last meeting being unsatisfactory, and you don't seem to have made contact with your sponsor. I don't know--she tells you to call her; do you? Do you want to continue in AA by doing the steps, or do you just want to go to the meetings for the support they provide? Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with the latter; I have no idea how long it takes most people to start, do, or complete the steps. Again, it would be helpful if others here would comment about this.
You seem very resolute about not drinking, though you get upset about having urges. Urges are perfectly normal; I'd be surprised if anyone on these forums hasn't had urges since quitting. Have you noticed that you don't get them as often, or as intensely, as you used to? Putting behavior behind us can be a bumpy process but it gets easier over time.
Like, with my dad...I've certainly figured out that his relationship with me is bad. But you can't just not talk to your dad right?
Well, actually you CAN just 'not talk' to your dad if that's what you choose to do. But more to the point, you can set the terms of your relationship. It is hard to do with our parents. We can do it gently or brusquely, but we can still do it. The nature of your relationship is yours to choose, and you might find it liberating to start setting some boundaries. You can tell your mother and get her help, or you can talk directly to him. Or you can write him a letter. Or you can take the easy way out and move further away. (I'm still trying to imagine a real estate market where you can buy anything for under $100,000! The median price of a home in this city just hit $500K.)
My parents, who I love dearly, live 500 miles away--a perfect distance, as we've both found! But my father is showing early signs of dementia, and he's calling way too often (once he figured out the cell phone my brother got him we all kind of regretted the decision...). So I have to gently end the conversations. No, at 80 I doubt if he'll get the message. But I just persist, and call him back when it's convenient and I can talk more.
Obviously, my relationship with my folks isn't, um, unhealthy in the way yours has been. But the point is: while our parents don't want us to grow up, they do have to respect it. (A lesson I'm reminding myself of now that I'm in the middle, with elderly parents and one kid who just graduated high school....)
1. I end up realizing that he really is bad for me or he goes away from me like Shane, which would just kill me ...
No it wouldn't. It might make you sad, but it wouldn't kill you. Really. Not even metaphorically.
Then, there is the issue of cutting myself. Sigh....i don't know where to go with this one. It's how i deal with all the dysfunctionality in my life.
Yes, that seems to be one way of describing it. As I said a while ago, one of the reasons this issue interests and concerns me is that my son was doing it, so I had to learn about this behavior first-hand and fast. My concern was that it might escalate. Well, he cut himself when I (or my wife) drank to excess. When I (we) quit, he stopped. But the counselor we talked with and the material I read all pointed to the same ideas that were on those web links I provided on the other thread. That cutting is a way of coping with distress, that self-harmers get an adrenalin rush from the action, and that it can become increasingly compulsive.
Finding other ways to cope, dealing with the stress factors if possible, and developing techniques for deflecting the urge to cut (much as with drinking) seem to be the recommended approaches. So it seems to be important to face the things you are upset or anxious about, but also to have strategies for what you're going to do (call someone, do something else) when the urge strikes.
In my son's case, as he and I became closer we realized that he had felt very, very isolated in our family, and his school experience was becoming a disaster (he's now doing independent study, with me as his teacher). He also had been getting attracted to the other 'loners' and self-described outcasts among his acquaintances. He felt apart from groups (sound familiar?), from his family, and from the people he thought were normal.
Having a counselor turned out to be very helpful, but even more important was the feeling of belonging and the ability to communicate with me. And having one good friend who also cut herself who he could talk to. An interesting side-effect was that as both of them resolved their stresses and quit cutting, the friendship drifted away. They both kind of realized they weren't close anymore, and it was much harder for the girl to accept than it was for my son (sound familiar?!).
I don't know if AA can help you feel less isolated. Take a look at those web links I provided and see if there's something there we can talk about. I don't know if you can resolve the issues in your family that lead to stress, so finding ways to accept them and to build your own separate life may prove paramount.
Bonfires are one of our favorite pastimes here (advantage of rural living...). My son gets to fulfill his normal adolescent pyromania, and I enjoy them much more now that I can see them clearly.
Talk to you soon,
Don S