Hey guys, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching for the past couple weeks. I'm still on here a lot and I still read your posts, I just haven't been doing any of my own posting. First of all...thanks for various inspiration that I get from many of your words of encouragement and hope. I have to believe that I can't quit until the miracle happens--which people have mentioned about before. I know that deep down somewhere I truly believe that and that's why I so desperately want to get it right. And, why I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth yet.
I just finished reading Patsy's reply in a post about parents and alcoholism. I could totally relate to that...that was me not too long ago. I swore up and down, left and right that I would never have issues with drinking, like so many around me. I never would have thought twice about picking up at social events/parties/etc because I thought it was a waste of time. I also thought (believe it or not) that if I needed to have a drink to feel better or loosen up, then I shouldn't even be where ever I was to begin with. I knew somewhere inside myself, that to "have" to drink would eventually spell out trouble. And, looky-looky. But, as with everything in life, we take certain paths for certain reasons and everything is meant to be--because it just is. Sorry, didn't mean to get all Zen-like there.
And, I'm not trying to be a one-upper or to justify the way I am. It's just, thanks Patsy (if you're reading this), sometimes we hear things we need to hear yet don't realize we needed to hear them until we do. Wow that was quite a sentence!
Anyways...I guess there are a few things here I wanted to write about. For no particular reason then to just journal, I suppose.
Things I really hate about the after-effects of benders (not in any order)
1. dry, chapped lips...
2. gritty teeth and a mouth that tastes funny...
3. not being able to taste anything GOOD because of aforementioned reason...
4. shakiness...
5. insomnia...
6. irritability...
7. jumpiness (even at the slightest noise)...
8. strange white lines when you close your eyes...
9. sadness...
10. just plain feeling like junk!!!
I would also like some advice on spirituality. I think I've been at odds with my HP (God) for awhile, and I think that that set up the fall that I've taken. I know it's been mentioned before to "fire" your HP if it isn't working for you...but I would feel funny firing God. Well, at least the God that I believe in. Must be something that was instilled in me growing up. I had this neighbor-friend who became extremely religious as a baptist. And, for awhile I followed her example. There were a lot of things I stopped doing for fear of going to hell. One was listening to rock music. The other, wearing pants (girls only wore skirts and dresses). After a few years of living in constant fear, I basically said "screw this ****". So, maybe by firing THAT God, I was doing myself a favor. I don't know if I'm making any sense here...but I'm not an atheist...or agnostic. I do believe that there is a HP--I just say God non-secullaryly (sp) if that's even possible. Okay...maybe I should just say "Being" so as not to cause confusion. But, I think you people here would understand more where I'm comming from. And, I know that my HP isn't going to suddenly emerge from a bright white light or fly down from heaven and tell me: "here I am...I've always been here...and you WILL overcome!!!". Just wish it were that simple. And, maybe it is...and I'm the one complicating things. OH, the whoas of thinking too much. But, I know I needed to get a lot of this out. Thanks for listening. As always.
Danielle